Coming soon to Shed Your Skin Volume IV:
The 'Just Ask B' Advice Column
Disclaimer: You, the reader, absolves B of any responsibility. Which really translates to:
It is not his fault if the results of the outcome are unfavorable.
Please initial here: ____
Dear B:
I just met a really great guy but I can’t tell if he’s straight or gay. He wore lavender. How can I ask him without sounding rude? Please help! Thanks!
-Broken gaydar in CA
Dear Broken:
The quickest way to find out is to dangle the bait and see if he bites. And there’s no reason to give the final exam before the pop quiz. The pop quiz can be benign questions like ‘What’s your favorite karaoke song?’ If he says ‘Nirvana’, you’re good. If he says, ‘Madonna’, then you have a new shoe shopping buddy.
-Gone Fixin’ for love
B
Dear B:
Thanks for your response! Just like ‘Broken’, I’m in a similar situation. I followed your advice and now I’m stuck. When I asked ‘Bob’ that question, he said, “Journey.” What does that mean? Please help!
-Stopped believing in AZ
Dear Stopped:
You’re in luck! “Journey”=straight. Now start believing.
-Don’t stop believing…
B
Dear B:
I am soo glad for your column! Your insight is not only helpful but funny! I’m in a bit of a pickle myself. This situation seems to be a hot commodity right now because I am also unsure! When I met up with ‘Pat’ and asked him your pop quiz question, his response was: “Depends on my mood. Sometimes a little Tori Amos or Ani Difranco. Or maybe some G’N’R or George Michael. But there are times that Radiohead or The Beatles are in order.” I was speechless! I didn’t know how to respond. What should I do?
-Speechless in Seattle
Dear Speechless:
‘Pat’ sounds like he may be confused himself. What was he wearing? Were his nails painted black? Was he wearing skinny, hipster jeans? Did he have more jewelry than you? And did he call you babe, sunshine or some cute endearing nickname right away? Sounds like it was a well practiced, scripted answer to me! Or he could be the lead singer of a band. In that case…tell ‘Pat’ that he still owes me for that amp he set on fire from our last gig! Oh, and you should probably run.
-Still waiting for my money
B
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
This Dream
Had this dream
the other night...
I was....
in an open field
the sky above
a cosmic blanket
fell asleep
to
shooting stars
crickets
a symphony
and song
so perfect....
to be continued
forever
forever
forever
The Earth
rumbles open
filling my heart
drawing me
in.....
further
further in....
This vivid Dreamer
who lay next to me
whispers in my ear
"Are you awake?"
'Mmm hmm.'
"I had this dream."
'About what?'
"You were a vegetable."
'What kind?'
"Chard."
'Mmm...I like chard.'
"Yes, they're pretty, too."
'Were you a vegetable, too?'
"Mmm hmm..."
And so it went...
The echo of that perfect song
kept playing softly
throughout the night
the lyrics teasing the shadows
'toes in a blanket'
'teeth like stars'
'new love awakening'
my voice
laced with
longing
wanting
to join his
but
the silence
lay heavy
with doubt...
yet...
laughter escaped
my lips
eager to
embrace
the chorus
uniting
evanescently
Flashes of...
His guitar
lying on its back
His fingers and hands
working the strings
like magic
His hair
pale as moonlight
as his voice
swirled my insides
Alas
As time etched forward
the inevitable arrived
and the cold seeped in
influencing
a sudden departure
with a note
full of
enigmatic words
and question marks
But the owl flew
and said,
"Stay.
See this through."
The Warrior in me
had already surrendered
mid-song
so
back to him
I went
nestling
underneath the blankets...
And awoke
to the sound
of his voice
to the sky colored
by a new day
Our hugging and laughing
with synchronicity
for the unsaid...
and now
as we say
our good-byes
he turns to me
and says,
"It wasn't a dream."
I smile mischievously...
'I know,' is my reply.
the other night...
I was....
in an open field
the sky above
a cosmic blanket
fell asleep
to
shooting stars
crickets
a symphony
and song
so perfect....
to be continued
forever
forever
forever
The Earth
rumbles open
filling my heart
drawing me
in.....
further
further in....
This vivid Dreamer
who lay next to me
whispers in my ear
"Are you awake?"
'Mmm hmm.'
"I had this dream."
'About what?'
"You were a vegetable."
'What kind?'
"Chard."
'Mmm...I like chard.'
"Yes, they're pretty, too."
'Were you a vegetable, too?'
"Mmm hmm..."
And so it went...
The echo of that perfect song
kept playing softly
throughout the night
the lyrics teasing the shadows
'toes in a blanket'
'teeth like stars'
'new love awakening'
my voice
laced with
longing
wanting
to join his
but
the silence
lay heavy
with doubt...
yet...
laughter escaped
my lips
eager to
embrace
the chorus
uniting
evanescently
Flashes of...
His guitar
lying on its back
His fingers and hands
working the strings
like magic
His hair
pale as moonlight
as his voice
swirled my insides
Alas
As time etched forward
the inevitable arrived
and the cold seeped in
influencing
a sudden departure
with a note
full of
enigmatic words
and question marks
But the owl flew
and said,
"Stay.
See this through."
The Warrior in me
had already surrendered
mid-song
so
back to him
I went
nestling
underneath the blankets...
And awoke
to the sound
of his voice
to the sky colored
by a new day
Our hugging and laughing
with synchronicity
for the unsaid...
and now
as we say
our good-byes
he turns to me
and says,
"It wasn't a dream."
I smile mischievously...
'I know,' is my reply.
Moments
Sometimes I live for these quiet moments. I'm one of the lucky ones. I get to experience them and remember them...then re-experience them here...
There will be these quiet moments. Those hushed, talk in whispers moments. Then, the angry moments. The loud moments. The want to scream out loud moments. Then, the passionate moments. The hungry moments. The hot on your skin moments. Then, there are the sad moments. The lost moments. The lock yourself in the bathroom crying moments. The I wish we would stop fighting moments.
Then, there are the more indescribable moments. Ones meant for songs or stories. Ones where you can only glimpse them with a sentence or two. The ones where words don't do them justice, that perhaps they weren't meant to be captured within vowels and a voice...they were simply meant to be experienced and left tingling on your skin...like fairy dust...or a thousand kisses...
There will be these quiet moments. Those hushed, talk in whispers moments. Then, the angry moments. The loud moments. The want to scream out loud moments. Then, the passionate moments. The hungry moments. The hot on your skin moments. Then, there are the sad moments. The lost moments. The lock yourself in the bathroom crying moments. The I wish we would stop fighting moments.
Then, there are the more indescribable moments. Ones meant for songs or stories. Ones where you can only glimpse them with a sentence or two. The ones where words don't do them justice, that perhaps they weren't meant to be captured within vowels and a voice...they were simply meant to be experienced and left tingling on your skin...like fairy dust...or a thousand kisses...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Malidoma Weekend Retreat
This is the first of several writing pieces surrounding a weekend retreat located at the Temenos Center for Wholeness with Tudor, Oshun and Malidoma Some.
Day One
The Kitchen
For immediate arousal in the kitchen, start with heat and an iron skillet. Then, proceed by adding two ingredients: chopped onions and minced garlic. Listen to that sizzle. If you want to have a flavorful base for an entrée, that pair can do no wrong. However, they are most odoriferous and fair warning…their combined aroma, when sautéed together, can sashay its way through the kitchen like an exotic belly dancer and may be intoxicating to some. Though on this particular night, I was looking for a different type of distraction. More along the lines of the ‘provocation of tears’ kind and was most grateful for the large box of onions assigned to me. Prior to chopping, I received a text message from someone whom I had been spending a lot of time with and without giving reason, canceled last minute. After that, the vegetable(s) with their multiple layers were a welcome release for my frustration and barely tepid mood. They also provided a perfect excuse for any salty streams running down my cheeks.
An hour in, the kitchen’s silence a comforting companion, I couldn’t help but notice the living room begin to fill with people. Inevitably, one by one, they trickled into the kitchen to get tea or to offer their assistance in preparing the food and within minutes my onionesque solitude was replaced with people chopping, laughing, talking and singing.
At the ‘Island’ where most of the activity was taking place, I stood at the edge right next to Kristin, one of the drummers, who had been continuously humming softly underneath her breath. At first, I was thoroughly annoyed at my seclusion of frustration and aggravation being interrupted but then I began to direct it towards Kristin, even resenting her musical murmurs. Thankfully, her song found its way in somehow. Everything pulsated and slowed down for a few seconds. A sort of calmness and acceptance flowed through me. The sounds of the kitchen in the background coupled with the melody and its power became stronger and stronger. I closed my eyes and listened with a silent reverence. Finally, I embraced the symphony as if it were an old friend I had quarreled with and whom I was eager to make amends and welcomed it to find residence in the gaping holes within me.
Suddenly, Time shifted into overdrive and I realized that I was now a few feet away from the Island of knives and conversation. It took me a second to recover but the awe of the scene bewitched me. I stood in admiration. This signified to me a perfect display of a beautiful chaos. My eyes saw only love and gratitude, my smile swept inward and I was left with feeling honored at bearing witness to the magnificence of what was before me. Like all cherry blossoms, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I sensed an additional pair of eyes and glanced up to see Kristin acknowledging everything with a nod and knowing glance. We turned our focus back to the others, observing together, sharing a moment of recognition as our smiles resembled a reflected mirror image. She leaned close and whispered, her story leaving echoes in my ear.
How apropos it was,
our stories intertwining like branches of an oak tree,
for it was she who awoke that desire in me
to shift my disappointment to delight…
to join in….
to ride along the melodies and harmonious waves
on yet another path towards enlightenment….
singing a coming together of united souls for each other,
for ourselves,
for the Magic
and for the Awakened Dream that is Life.
Day One
The Kitchen
For immediate arousal in the kitchen, start with heat and an iron skillet. Then, proceed by adding two ingredients: chopped onions and minced garlic. Listen to that sizzle. If you want to have a flavorful base for an entrée, that pair can do no wrong. However, they are most odoriferous and fair warning…their combined aroma, when sautéed together, can sashay its way through the kitchen like an exotic belly dancer and may be intoxicating to some. Though on this particular night, I was looking for a different type of distraction. More along the lines of the ‘provocation of tears’ kind and was most grateful for the large box of onions assigned to me. Prior to chopping, I received a text message from someone whom I had been spending a lot of time with and without giving reason, canceled last minute. After that, the vegetable(s) with their multiple layers were a welcome release for my frustration and barely tepid mood. They also provided a perfect excuse for any salty streams running down my cheeks.
An hour in, the kitchen’s silence a comforting companion, I couldn’t help but notice the living room begin to fill with people. Inevitably, one by one, they trickled into the kitchen to get tea or to offer their assistance in preparing the food and within minutes my onionesque solitude was replaced with people chopping, laughing, talking and singing.
At the ‘Island’ where most of the activity was taking place, I stood at the edge right next to Kristin, one of the drummers, who had been continuously humming softly underneath her breath. At first, I was thoroughly annoyed at my seclusion of frustration and aggravation being interrupted but then I began to direct it towards Kristin, even resenting her musical murmurs. Thankfully, her song found its way in somehow. Everything pulsated and slowed down for a few seconds. A sort of calmness and acceptance flowed through me. The sounds of the kitchen in the background coupled with the melody and its power became stronger and stronger. I closed my eyes and listened with a silent reverence. Finally, I embraced the symphony as if it were an old friend I had quarreled with and whom I was eager to make amends and welcomed it to find residence in the gaping holes within me.
Suddenly, Time shifted into overdrive and I realized that I was now a few feet away from the Island of knives and conversation. It took me a second to recover but the awe of the scene bewitched me. I stood in admiration. This signified to me a perfect display of a beautiful chaos. My eyes saw only love and gratitude, my smile swept inward and I was left with feeling honored at bearing witness to the magnificence of what was before me. Like all cherry blossoms, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I sensed an additional pair of eyes and glanced up to see Kristin acknowledging everything with a nod and knowing glance. We turned our focus back to the others, observing together, sharing a moment of recognition as our smiles resembled a reflected mirror image. She leaned close and whispered, her story leaving echoes in my ear.
How apropos it was,
our stories intertwining like branches of an oak tree,
for it was she who awoke that desire in me
to shift my disappointment to delight…
to join in….
to ride along the melodies and harmonious waves
on yet another path towards enlightenment….
singing a coming together of united souls for each other,
for ourselves,
for the Magic
and for the Awakened Dream that is Life.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Do you see what I see?
A first poem. A juicy story. A wish. A threat. A dessert. A great battle. An inner conflict. A dream. A sunset. A whisper. An unfinished sentence. A lucky charm. A character in a book. A muse. An image. An ideal. An enemy. An instigator. A light. An oracle. A heretic. A whore. A healer. A teacher. A rock. A fairy. An unforgettable moment. An argument you always lose to. A mirror. A drink with no alcohol but lots of chocolate. A late night phone call that never ends. A fuzzy leopard blanket. A question mark. A vagabond. A free spirit. A prayer. A forgotten memory. An acquired taste. A little girl w/ pink hair and tattoos. A hit to the head. A trouble child. A runaway. A lost soul. An intolerable instant. A headache. A fantasy. A reality. A reminder of the long ago. A guide. An alternative to dinner. A blank canvas. A game. A cunt. A cup of tea. An illusion. A key. A heroine. An enigma. A conundrum. An unsolved riddle. A yawn. A laugh heard around the world. A quiet moment. A bouquet of flowers. A resting place. A remedy. A very loud and long orgasm. An awkward silence. A Leo Dragon. A myth. A stolen moment. An addiction. A piece to unravel. A present to unwrap. A deep and vast ocean. A thoughtful presence. An ending. A misspelled word. An untold story. A long pregnant pause. A brief hiatus. A part of nothing and everything. A good night kiss. A song yet to be written.
A gift.
End.
The Essence of Love...
"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along." -Rumi
"What matters is giving over to what you love."
"Leap. Run towards....it all..."
"It's those moments where time stands still..."
"Seeing your past, present and future in each other's eyes..."
Life is....
At the top,
with
views
overlooking
the valley and
cloud covering,
the crisp air
from the
mountain ridge
feels like
a hundred kisses
planted
on
my cheeks...
lips....
arms...
fingers...
belly...
thighs...
.......
The music
echoes
within
my chest
synchronizing
with
my heart beat.
My arms
catapult
above
my head
as I
attempt
a reach
to
the heavens.
My legs
spread
wide...
parting...
while
my hips
sway
and
move
rhythmically.
Then,
a kick
to the
front
with
the
right leg
and then
the left.
A high kick
in salute
with
a back move
like
a crouch
followed by
a quick leap
to a
standing position,
arms
outstretched
with
a
neck
snap
to
the side.
Then,
turning
around
in a
360
degrees
move
with
eyes
closed.
Music
filling
your ears,
your insides,
your emptiness.
Life is what you make it.
Life is about The Dance...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
New Journal
Completed another journal and started a new one.
I wrote this on the first page as a kind of mantra:
There are no obstacles, only the ones you set yourself.
Compassionate Communication.
Speak Your Truth
from your Heart Center.
Freedom is letting go of:
attachments,
ego,
judgement.
Learning is:
to think for yourself.
Your life and your experiences are your greatest lessons.
The best advice for you is what you find within...
I wrote this on the first page as a kind of mantra:
There are no obstacles, only the ones you set yourself.
Compassionate Communication.
Speak Your Truth
from your Heart Center.
Freedom is letting go of:
attachments,
ego,
judgement.
Learning is:
to think for yourself.
Your life and your experiences are your greatest lessons.
The best advice for you is what you find within...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
You Rock, Rock
Beach diaries
September 15, 2010
At. The. Beach. Rode my bike to the estuary. The ocean is a turquoise blue with strips of white along the shore. The naked sand, in some places, are untouched by footprints. There are only swirly lines left like the wind traced designs with invisible fingers. A lone figure walks along the coast getting smaller by the minute. The clouds, just above the horizon, form a misty wall preventing any view of the islands. Flocks of birds in their infamous V-formations fly above me and beyond. So beautiful. So free. The garden of palm trees clustered together like sentinels remain firm in the background. They reassure me for some unknown reason.
The Rock that is my regular perch is the perfect place for stillness, reflection, sharing or just sitting. I watch shadows of birds in the sky glide alongside the uneven terrain as I try to capture everything I see before me.
The Sea is never still and yet has been a mirror for me many a time. In its vastness, it is a multitude of colors and movement. Greens, blues. Sparkles of white and a hint of silver. Constant. Always changing. Never to be the same ever again. Each wave is like a liquid snowflake of a memory or dream.
I fly down the path, using the Wind to gain momentum. Surfers riding waves can be seen on the peripheral. My bike and my hair are just a flash of red and pink. Clouds shaped like spaceships and dragons creep slowly across the sky. Then, it hits. I feel the urge to slow down and watch things more carefully. I hunker down like a child does. The bench hollers at me and I acquiesce. I allow the sunlight to envelop me warming my toes and insides. I notice cracks in the concrete along the wall and on the walkway. A bee flies close and I am disappointed for a split second that I am not a flower. I watch a woman unintentionally perform a trick by magically looping her purse strap into her scarf. As she walks, she tries to untangle herself of the predicament. I smile.
It is in these instances, where Life gives you a view through its open Window, that all you do is laugh and sigh with contentment...just grateful to be present for those perfect moments of Now.
September 15, 2010
At. The. Beach. Rode my bike to the estuary. The ocean is a turquoise blue with strips of white along the shore. The naked sand, in some places, are untouched by footprints. There are only swirly lines left like the wind traced designs with invisible fingers. A lone figure walks along the coast getting smaller by the minute. The clouds, just above the horizon, form a misty wall preventing any view of the islands. Flocks of birds in their infamous V-formations fly above me and beyond. So beautiful. So free. The garden of palm trees clustered together like sentinels remain firm in the background. They reassure me for some unknown reason.
The Rock that is my regular perch is the perfect place for stillness, reflection, sharing or just sitting. I watch shadows of birds in the sky glide alongside the uneven terrain as I try to capture everything I see before me.
The Sea is never still and yet has been a mirror for me many a time. In its vastness, it is a multitude of colors and movement. Greens, blues. Sparkles of white and a hint of silver. Constant. Always changing. Never to be the same ever again. Each wave is like a liquid snowflake of a memory or dream.
I fly down the path, using the Wind to gain momentum. Surfers riding waves can be seen on the peripheral. My bike and my hair are just a flash of red and pink. Clouds shaped like spaceships and dragons creep slowly across the sky. Then, it hits. I feel the urge to slow down and watch things more carefully. I hunker down like a child does. The bench hollers at me and I acquiesce. I allow the sunlight to envelop me warming my toes and insides. I notice cracks in the concrete along the wall and on the walkway. A bee flies close and I am disappointed for a split second that I am not a flower. I watch a woman unintentionally perform a trick by magically looping her purse strap into her scarf. As she walks, she tries to untangle herself of the predicament. I smile.
It is in these instances, where Life gives you a view through its open Window, that all you do is laugh and sigh with contentment...just grateful to be present for those perfect moments of Now.
Vegan Diaries...
September 14th 2010:
I woke up around noon and layed out in front of the heater as per ritual most mornings. I wasn't sure what I wanted to eat/drink first thing when I awoke but certain things kept popping up in my mind like a dream. Certain fruits and veggies kept floating towards me. Enticing and teasing me it seemed...
I stood up. Toe to heel. Walking w/ invisible high heels on. I was determined to make something yummy. Flashbacks of what I purchased from the farmer's market in Ojai came into vision. My hands and fingers grabbed. Next thing I know, I'm chopping things up. My blender is almost at capacity. My index finger presses a certain button and the wwwwhhhhhhiiiirrrrriiiinnnnnggg sound fills the air.
Magically before me is a 24 ounce smoothie drink consisting of the following:
1 beet, 1 apple, 1 carrot, a handful of spinach and a cup of an orange, peach, mango juice blend.
I've decided to call it the 'Turn Your Bad Day into a Good Day Smoothie' not because I was having a bad day per se...but because once you drink this amazing concoction, you can't help but feel really, really good... :0)
Next, dinner was upon me. Was totally having cravings of Mary's mushroom burger and decided that I had some components in my kitchen that can be combined together for either something just as delicious or even more scrumptious! I defied it all!
Perusing through my freezer, I decided to heat up the last of the tex mex burgers in my cast iron skillet. One teaspoon of butter melted first spread evenly throughout. Veggie burger on. Next up, chopping up 3 organic mushrooms (and don't forget to wash them thoroughly unless you enjoy dirt & grit when you bite down). Throw those in next to your veggie pattie. Lower heat slightly and cover. Shimmy over to the Romaine lettuce and give 'em a rinse. Then, shake shake shake. Literally. Set aside. Got your two slices of sprouted rye bread from Trader Joe's? No? Well, put your panties on and run to the store. Don't forget your shoes. We'll wait. If not, don't worry. Life is not over. Just whatever bread you have in the cupboard will do. I just have a preference, you see. Okay? All here? Let's proceed. I like my bread toasty toasty so I put mine in my toaster oven. If you're one of those weirdos that like untoasted bread just skip to the next part of the instructions. Get the veganaise, mustard and ketchup. And yes, organic, of course.
Check pattie. Flip over. Add 2-3 teaspoons of vegan mozzarella Daiya cheeze on top (the best vegan cheeze ever!). Stir & mix mushrooms. Wash dishes in the mean time. Text your friends. Twitter what you're having and spread the love of the Vegan yummyness. When toast is done, lather both sides w/ veganaise. Take one slice and put mustard on. Do the same with the other slice but w/ ketchup. Check pattie. Should be done. Place on top of either slice of bread. Can't choose? Do the Eeny Meeny Miny Mo thing. Or close your eyes and spin around.. but be careful not to fall into your unassembled, digestible piece of Art. Or you'll have a Ronald McDonald face. No bueno. Mushrooms go on top of pattie. Put it all together. Slice in half if you so desire.
Voila, my hungry readers...perfection right before your eyes. Bites of Heaven in your mouth.
I call it the "Zen Art Shimmy Sandwich".
Now. The 'D' word. Dessert.....the Dharma of Existence. Or the often repeated line of: you had me at melted chocolate stance. For some of you out there that are looking for new ways to 're-use'...well, add this one to your lists. I had a chocolate candy bar that, surprisingly, was not good so I put it in the fridge to be used later either to cut up as garnish, decor or to be melted. For this scenario, I chose the latter.
First, I poured about a 1/3 cup of rice milk in a saucepan on high heat. When it started to boil, I added the chocolate in broken chunks for a melted mess. While that was going on, I took a few organic strawberries, rinsed them thoroughly and sliced them into quarters. Then, I coaxed the vanilla rice dream ice cream out of the freezer to thaw out a bit. I saw that the chocolate sauce was done so I scooped up a tablespoon into a small glass bowl and took some of the strawberry pieces placing them on top of the chocolate. Hope you didn't forget about the ice cream! Pile about 3 scoops right there on top of the strawberries and continue 'layering' until your eyes are ready to bulge out of their sockets. I also wanted to mix it up and put in a few scoops of Mudd Pie ice cream to bring out the colors more.
-Take spoon and do one of the following:
(a) pretend you are in The Matrix. You are Keanu Reeves. Wait. No, you're Neo. Okay. Fine. You're Trinity (Carrie Ann Moss). Better? Okay. Remember that spoon scene? Yeah, take spoon in dominate hand. Use mind to bend spoon....there is no spoon...there is no spoon...there..is...no....spoon...
OR
(b) realize that you're right smack dab in the Middle World with a delectable, amazing Vegan dessert that magically manifested by the sheer will of your imagination (hey, it can totally happen) and all you have to do is....ready?
Dig in.
Oh. My. What a dilemma.
Choose wisely.
Personally, I say fuck the Blue pill...
I'm going in for the kill...
like my Chocolate mustache?
;0)
P.S.
I call this orgasmic sensual playground for your solar plexus,
"I'm too busy right now to answer your call" dessert.
Yeahhh....no explanation needed.
I woke up around noon and layed out in front of the heater as per ritual most mornings. I wasn't sure what I wanted to eat/drink first thing when I awoke but certain things kept popping up in my mind like a dream. Certain fruits and veggies kept floating towards me. Enticing and teasing me it seemed...
I stood up. Toe to heel. Walking w/ invisible high heels on. I was determined to make something yummy. Flashbacks of what I purchased from the farmer's market in Ojai came into vision. My hands and fingers grabbed. Next thing I know, I'm chopping things up. My blender is almost at capacity. My index finger presses a certain button and the wwwwhhhhhhiiiirrrrriiiinnnnnggg sound fills the air.
Magically before me is a 24 ounce smoothie drink consisting of the following:
1 beet, 1 apple, 1 carrot, a handful of spinach and a cup of an orange, peach, mango juice blend.
I've decided to call it the 'Turn Your Bad Day into a Good Day Smoothie' not because I was having a bad day per se...but because once you drink this amazing concoction, you can't help but feel really, really good... :0)
Next, dinner was upon me. Was totally having cravings of Mary's mushroom burger and decided that I had some components in my kitchen that can be combined together for either something just as delicious or even more scrumptious! I defied it all!
Perusing through my freezer, I decided to heat up the last of the tex mex burgers in my cast iron skillet. One teaspoon of butter melted first spread evenly throughout. Veggie burger on. Next up, chopping up 3 organic mushrooms (and don't forget to wash them thoroughly unless you enjoy dirt & grit when you bite down). Throw those in next to your veggie pattie. Lower heat slightly and cover. Shimmy over to the Romaine lettuce and give 'em a rinse. Then, shake shake shake. Literally. Set aside. Got your two slices of sprouted rye bread from Trader Joe's? No? Well, put your panties on and run to the store. Don't forget your shoes. We'll wait. If not, don't worry. Life is not over. Just whatever bread you have in the cupboard will do. I just have a preference, you see. Okay? All here? Let's proceed. I like my bread toasty toasty so I put mine in my toaster oven. If you're one of those weirdos that like untoasted bread just skip to the next part of the instructions. Get the veganaise, mustard and ketchup. And yes, organic, of course.
Check pattie. Flip over. Add 2-3 teaspoons of vegan mozzarella Daiya cheeze on top (the best vegan cheeze ever!). Stir & mix mushrooms. Wash dishes in the mean time. Text your friends. Twitter what you're having and spread the love of the Vegan yummyness. When toast is done, lather both sides w/ veganaise. Take one slice and put mustard on. Do the same with the other slice but w/ ketchup. Check pattie. Should be done. Place on top of either slice of bread. Can't choose? Do the Eeny Meeny Miny Mo thing. Or close your eyes and spin around.. but be careful not to fall into your unassembled, digestible piece of Art. Or you'll have a Ronald McDonald face. No bueno. Mushrooms go on top of pattie. Put it all together. Slice in half if you so desire.
Voila, my hungry readers...perfection right before your eyes. Bites of Heaven in your mouth.
I call it the "Zen Art Shimmy Sandwich".
Now. The 'D' word. Dessert.....the Dharma of Existence. Or the often repeated line of: you had me at melted chocolate stance. For some of you out there that are looking for new ways to 're-use'...well, add this one to your lists. I had a chocolate candy bar that, surprisingly, was not good so I put it in the fridge to be used later either to cut up as garnish, decor or to be melted. For this scenario, I chose the latter.
First, I poured about a 1/3 cup of rice milk in a saucepan on high heat. When it started to boil, I added the chocolate in broken chunks for a melted mess. While that was going on, I took a few organic strawberries, rinsed them thoroughly and sliced them into quarters. Then, I coaxed the vanilla rice dream ice cream out of the freezer to thaw out a bit. I saw that the chocolate sauce was done so I scooped up a tablespoon into a small glass bowl and took some of the strawberry pieces placing them on top of the chocolate. Hope you didn't forget about the ice cream! Pile about 3 scoops right there on top of the strawberries and continue 'layering' until your eyes are ready to bulge out of their sockets. I also wanted to mix it up and put in a few scoops of Mudd Pie ice cream to bring out the colors more.
-Take spoon and do one of the following:
(a) pretend you are in The Matrix. You are Keanu Reeves. Wait. No, you're Neo. Okay. Fine. You're Trinity (Carrie Ann Moss). Better? Okay. Remember that spoon scene? Yeah, take spoon in dominate hand. Use mind to bend spoon....there is no spoon...there is no spoon...there..is...no....spoon...
OR
(b) realize that you're right smack dab in the Middle World with a delectable, amazing Vegan dessert that magically manifested by the sheer will of your imagination (hey, it can totally happen) and all you have to do is....ready?
Dig in.
Oh. My. What a dilemma.
Choose wisely.
Personally, I say fuck the Blue pill...
I'm going in for the kill...
like my Chocolate mustache?
;0)
P.S.
I call this orgasmic sensual playground for your solar plexus,
"I'm too busy right now to answer your call" dessert.
Yeahhh....no explanation needed.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The Dance
*This is one of a few stories revolving around my travels in Scotland. It will be featured in the next Volume of my indie zine: Shed Your Skin. Keep you posted...*
Stan reminds me of a gnome. His hair is snow white and if only he wore a pointy red hat...he would be a walking, taller version of that mythical being I've read many stories about.
We all enter the ballroom with some anticipation. This exercise, The Sacred Dance, would be our first event we would be participating in for Experience Week.
Stan gives us the origin and summary of the Sacred Dance. With each new dance part, he explains the story behind it. With each new dance, I'm laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I'm having a difficult time dancing per instructed but I'm enjoying myself nonetheless (I was never really good at dancing in time like waltzes and such. I'm much more comfortable doing free-form dance).
Towards the end, he plays this sweet melody (Canon in D by Pachelbel) and we form a circle. Each of us puts our right hand on the right shoulder of the person in front of us. We are then instructed to take 3 steps forward and one step back.
I smile and think about the symbolism behind this particular dance. As I concentrate on trying to move in sync with the music, I notice Franco dancing with his eyes closed. I mimic him just to see how it feels and I'm in awe of the warmth I sense. I'm comforted and I feel like I'm floating and flying at the same time. I notice Steve has his eyes closed and John does as well. In fact, I'm sure Stan and Zach have their eyes closed, too.
My smile stays and goes inward. It helps me to remember words that were whispered to me at a young age. I remember fear and doubt. To not trust men. I remember feeling used and only looked upon with lust. And I remember darkness and feeling chilled to the bone..........
and only wanting to be soothed, comforted and loved....to feel safe...to feel warmth............to have this emptiness be filled with joy...
And I'm blurry eyed, looking for the box of tissues. The ballroom is almost empty with Breeze talking to Stan and Zach collecting his things. I gravitate towards the huge window that overlooks the area near the woods and I allow the tears to fall. There is no fight left.
The chatter inside that hardly relents is moving like a tornado. My need for a hug is quite great and Zach intuitively senses what I silently asked for. His arms and love are a welcome, comforting gift to a little girl so used to keeping people at bay.
Zach leaves to join the others for lunch and Breeze looks, questioning my face. I reassure her with a nod and tell her that I wanted to talk to Stan. She nods in response and leaves as well.
I say to Stan, "Can you please play that last piece of music for me...one more time?"
He stares at me intently for a good minute and simply bows, switches on the stereo, then leaves the ballroom.
When the music fills the room again, I allow everything else to slip away. My arms, hands and entire body move with the music alongside my emotions. It tells its own story of love and loss, sorrow and joy, confusion and understanding. And as I move with the intent to release, my spirit and heart applaud the performance...always remembering that sometimes there's just a need...................................
to dance for no one else..................................
..............................to dance just for me.................................
Stan reminds me of a gnome. His hair is snow white and if only he wore a pointy red hat...he would be a walking, taller version of that mythical being I've read many stories about.
We all enter the ballroom with some anticipation. This exercise, The Sacred Dance, would be our first event we would be participating in for Experience Week.
Stan gives us the origin and summary of the Sacred Dance. With each new dance part, he explains the story behind it. With each new dance, I'm laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I'm having a difficult time dancing per instructed but I'm enjoying myself nonetheless (I was never really good at dancing in time like waltzes and such. I'm much more comfortable doing free-form dance).
Towards the end, he plays this sweet melody (Canon in D by Pachelbel) and we form a circle. Each of us puts our right hand on the right shoulder of the person in front of us. We are then instructed to take 3 steps forward and one step back.
I smile and think about the symbolism behind this particular dance. As I concentrate on trying to move in sync with the music, I notice Franco dancing with his eyes closed. I mimic him just to see how it feels and I'm in awe of the warmth I sense. I'm comforted and I feel like I'm floating and flying at the same time. I notice Steve has his eyes closed and John does as well. In fact, I'm sure Stan and Zach have their eyes closed, too.
My smile stays and goes inward. It helps me to remember words that were whispered to me at a young age. I remember fear and doubt. To not trust men. I remember feeling used and only looked upon with lust. And I remember darkness and feeling chilled to the bone..........
and only wanting to be soothed, comforted and loved....to feel safe...to feel warmth............to have this emptiness be filled with joy...
And I'm blurry eyed, looking for the box of tissues. The ballroom is almost empty with Breeze talking to Stan and Zach collecting his things. I gravitate towards the huge window that overlooks the area near the woods and I allow the tears to fall. There is no fight left.
The chatter inside that hardly relents is moving like a tornado. My need for a hug is quite great and Zach intuitively senses what I silently asked for. His arms and love are a welcome, comforting gift to a little girl so used to keeping people at bay.
Zach leaves to join the others for lunch and Breeze looks, questioning my face. I reassure her with a nod and tell her that I wanted to talk to Stan. She nods in response and leaves as well.
I say to Stan, "Can you please play that last piece of music for me...one more time?"
He stares at me intently for a good minute and simply bows, switches on the stereo, then leaves the ballroom.
When the music fills the room again, I allow everything else to slip away. My arms, hands and entire body move with the music alongside my emotions. It tells its own story of love and loss, sorrow and joy, confusion and understanding. And as I move with the intent to release, my spirit and heart applaud the performance...always remembering that sometimes there's just a need...................................
to dance for no one else..................................
..............................to dance just for me.................................
Monday, July 19, 2010
A Priceless Piece
Journal entry dated May 26th, 2010
He stepped in with pink squares printed on his shoes. He had to be reminded again to take them off. The burgundy nectar he had been sipping on stained his teeth and the inside of his bottom lip was a twinge darker then the upper portion. His smile appeared sinister and sweet.
He loomed over everything it seemed and the archway barely fit his towering frame.
He also took the liberty of giving himself a tour of the apartment, heading straight to the bedroom..ending up...here. All of a sudden, he had the urge to paint on my wall, the space directly above the pseudo-fireplace. In a pleasantly surprised awe of his audacity at such a request, I willingly stepped out of his way...going into the kitchen to make some tea and I came back to the sight of him taking things down ssssssslowlllllyyyyyy with the exception of the red painting which he apparently yanked off the wall.
scritch scritch scrape scrape giggle giggle
He took the entire wall and lapsed over onto the adjacent wall as well. I offered him tea. He requested wine. I told him there was none. Had to mention 'straight-edge' a few times. Then, he asked for rum which I surprisingly stock; for baking purposes. I offered the rum or the tea and he chose both, drinking them one after the other.
I took up a corner and watched with a bemused look on my face.
The curvature of the hips he did first. Then, the back.... slowly adding thighs, legs, the neck, etc. The head, a chaos of squiggle lines and swirls, made it's way to the top portion of the neck. The woman, in her unintentional seduction, had no face, no name, no identity.
As he waved his hand in a visual symphony, I took up my pen and journal attempting to capture this unexpected scene.
Words became my............ paint,
the blank pages....................... my canvas.
He stepped in with pink squares printed on his shoes. He had to be reminded again to take them off. The burgundy nectar he had been sipping on stained his teeth and the inside of his bottom lip was a twinge darker then the upper portion. His smile appeared sinister and sweet.
He loomed over everything it seemed and the archway barely fit his towering frame.
He also took the liberty of giving himself a tour of the apartment, heading straight to the bedroom..ending up...here. All of a sudden, he had the urge to paint on my wall, the space directly above the pseudo-fireplace. In a pleasantly surprised awe of his audacity at such a request, I willingly stepped out of his way...going into the kitchen to make some tea and I came back to the sight of him taking things down ssssssslowlllllyyyyyy with the exception of the red painting which he apparently yanked off the wall.
scritch scritch scrape scrape giggle giggle
He took the entire wall and lapsed over onto the adjacent wall as well. I offered him tea. He requested wine. I told him there was none. Had to mention 'straight-edge' a few times. Then, he asked for rum which I surprisingly stock; for baking purposes. I offered the rum or the tea and he chose both, drinking them one after the other.
I took up a corner and watched with a bemused look on my face.
The curvature of the hips he did first. Then, the back.... slowly adding thighs, legs, the neck, etc. The head, a chaos of squiggle lines and swirls, made it's way to the top portion of the neck. The woman, in her unintentional seduction, had no face, no name, no identity.
As he waved his hand in a visual symphony, I took up my pen and journal attempting to capture this unexpected scene.
Words became my............ paint,
the blank pages....................... my canvas.
Restless again. Journal entry dated May 24th, 2010
Restless. The night sends no relief. I've been burying myself with books trying to forget. Trying so hard not to count the days. The shadows call. I try to ignore the work I must do. Sanity loosely felt on fingertips. Flashbacks of him and our nights together I do my best to not recall. It is futile.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Message sent on June 2nd, 2010
For the days when it seems too hard to go on, where you feel that all life has to offer you is struggle or how you can't seem to see anything past your pain...fear not, mon cher...for you are blazing a path for others to find....and in doing so, your example will lead them through...to find the strength, courage and hope within themselves....to carry on..........
Journal Entry dated 070510
I am restless. The Dragon inside me has this great burning desire to breathe fire and destroy everything in its path. I am hungry but no matter what I eat, nothing seems to be enough...nothing tastes good...I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel imbalanced, uncentered and drained. I feel trapped. I want to be free of this. I can't really explain it but it makes me panic. As if I'm overstimulated. Overwhelmed. Wired but exhausted at the same time.
Underground No More...
I hadn't realized that it's been a few months since my last blog. My apologies. Things have been very different for me these past couple of months. Job ended in May. Groovephest happened that last day...which brought a whole new branch into my life. Boyfriend/lover arrived. Then, left on tour. Then, came back. Then, craziness. Then, break...down.....
What can I say but I learned a great deal. And in between that, new writing pieces, new ideas for paintings (even started sketching), shaman workshop, munay-ki re-emergence which is most welcome, heartache and tears, laughter and a realization that I'm a promiscuous individual when it comes to my spiritual practices. Or maybe it just sounds more intriguing when put in that fashion. It thoroughly amuses me. A more PG version would be that I would have all the great spiritual influences of the past, present and future at my dinner table. Can you imagine the conversations? Not too mention the plethora of food...and I wonder if I could get away with the dinner being completely vegan...I mean Buddha wouldn't have a problem with it but Jesus may want tri-tip...you just never know...
I'm currently trying to not analyze and reflect. I went walking on the beach with my friend, her aunt and a couple of dogs. I found two rocks shaped like hearts. I got melancholy for a bit and then by the end, I was hopping on fading footprints. The ocean has that effect on me.
The previous day, I was on a boat at a lake. Lake Nacimiento to be exact. I think it was 107 degrees. Hummus, veggies, frozen water bottles, chips & salsa, frozen guacamole that tasted surprisingly good when thawed out and gluten-free, vegan chocolate chip cookies were my main source of sustenance for that day. The group I was with were sweet, kind and refreshing. It was just too damn hot to think....but even then, I found myself retreating back into the caverns in my mind....and I would have to stare off into the distance, concentrate on the water or do a chant and I would alleviate my over-worked mind temporarily...
..........................but enough chatter for now......................I'll be posting some stories in a bit......................................................................be well......................-A
What can I say but I learned a great deal. And in between that, new writing pieces, new ideas for paintings (even started sketching), shaman workshop, munay-ki re-emergence which is most welcome, heartache and tears, laughter and a realization that I'm a promiscuous individual when it comes to my spiritual practices. Or maybe it just sounds more intriguing when put in that fashion. It thoroughly amuses me. A more PG version would be that I would have all the great spiritual influences of the past, present and future at my dinner table. Can you imagine the conversations? Not too mention the plethora of food...and I wonder if I could get away with the dinner being completely vegan...I mean Buddha wouldn't have a problem with it but Jesus may want tri-tip...you just never know...
I'm currently trying to not analyze and reflect. I went walking on the beach with my friend, her aunt and a couple of dogs. I found two rocks shaped like hearts. I got melancholy for a bit and then by the end, I was hopping on fading footprints. The ocean has that effect on me.
The previous day, I was on a boat at a lake. Lake Nacimiento to be exact. I think it was 107 degrees. Hummus, veggies, frozen water bottles, chips & salsa, frozen guacamole that tasted surprisingly good when thawed out and gluten-free, vegan chocolate chip cookies were my main source of sustenance for that day. The group I was with were sweet, kind and refreshing. It was just too damn hot to think....but even then, I found myself retreating back into the caverns in my mind....and I would have to stare off into the distance, concentrate on the water or do a chant and I would alleviate my over-worked mind temporarily...
..........................but enough chatter for now......................I'll be posting some stories in a bit......................................................................be well......................-A
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wisdom from a darkened corner
I often reflect back to the weekend's frivolities in the beginning of the week to better understand my actions and thought(ful) thinking. In the reading and Work (Inner-Spiritual) that I've been doing, I have come to realize that wisdom is not only within, but from people and experiences (externally) as well.
For the past few months, I have been searching and desiring a 'Teacher'. Unbeknownst to me that my desire was right in front of me. Not only reflected in the mirror image that I see when I wake up every morning, but in friends, lovers, co-workers, family...everything and everyone has the opportunity for one to learn.
The weekend was filled with lovely pleasures. A massage Friday night with the introduction to a modern but magic wand, dreams of future events, extensive discussions w/ a non-coverting Christian, lots of giggles and dancing with girlfriends, hosting a new Couch Surfer who sees things, too... a face-off with Judgement and a relinquish on control...
The past two nights led me to realize how easy individuals judge others before judging themselves. I am certainly privvy to that. No denial here. How susceptible we are to placing blame on others and yet, how often do we concern ourselves in replacing another's name for our own? I implore you to contemplate the answer to that question and request that you consider a 'Check-In' of your own actions prior to expediting blame or responsibility on another.
This concept applies to all aspects of life. Again and again, I've seen it done. One's happiness, one's love, one's money gets directed (and inadvertently) placed in the hands of another (either figuratively or literally or both).
Who's responsible for your happiness?
Who is reponsible for paying your bills?
And love. Who is ultimately responsible for loving you?
And another question is, if you don't love you as you are, right now...how can you expect someone else to?
The answer was quite clear to me.
It begins with: You.
Gratitude goes to my unlikely Teachers from this past weekend. Our conversations were in-depth and enlightening. It just goes to show you that Wisdom can even come from the darkened corners of a local bar on a Saturday night if one is open to receiving it.
<3
-A
For the past few months, I have been searching and desiring a 'Teacher'. Unbeknownst to me that my desire was right in front of me. Not only reflected in the mirror image that I see when I wake up every morning, but in friends, lovers, co-workers, family...everything and everyone has the opportunity for one to learn.
The weekend was filled with lovely pleasures. A massage Friday night with the introduction to a modern but magic wand, dreams of future events, extensive discussions w/ a non-coverting Christian, lots of giggles and dancing with girlfriends, hosting a new Couch Surfer who sees things, too... a face-off with Judgement and a relinquish on control...
The past two nights led me to realize how easy individuals judge others before judging themselves. I am certainly privvy to that. No denial here. How susceptible we are to placing blame on others and yet, how often do we concern ourselves in replacing another's name for our own? I implore you to contemplate the answer to that question and request that you consider a 'Check-In' of your own actions prior to expediting blame or responsibility on another.
This concept applies to all aspects of life. Again and again, I've seen it done. One's happiness, one's love, one's money gets directed (and inadvertently) placed in the hands of another (either figuratively or literally or both).
Who's responsible for your happiness?
Who is reponsible for paying your bills?
And love. Who is ultimately responsible for loving you?
And another question is, if you don't love you as you are, right now...how can you expect someone else to?
The answer was quite clear to me.
It begins with: You.
Gratitude goes to my unlikely Teachers from this past weekend. Our conversations were in-depth and enlightening. It just goes to show you that Wisdom can even come from the darkened corners of a local bar on a Saturday night if one is open to receiving it.
<3
-A
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Another Message From The Universe
The slate's been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.
It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.
This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.
Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.
Aim high.
That you've even received this Note, that you're able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.
You're so deserving. You're ready. It's all that lies between you and the life of your dreams.
Ain't no Blarney,
The Universe
Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ® © www.tut.com ®
It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.
This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.
Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.
Aim high.
That you've even received this Note, that you're able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.
You're so deserving. You're ready. It's all that lies between you and the life of your dreams.
Ain't no Blarney,
The Universe
Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ® © www.tut.com ®
Monday, March 8, 2010
Too many
"It's happened before..."
"He cut me off from my friends and family..."
"He hit me while I was pregnant..."
"He was so nice in the beginning...I don't know what happened..."
Domestic violence happens everywhere. Not just in war torn countries, or in poverty-stricken urban areas. Sometimes, it's down the street. Sometimes, it's in your neighborhood.
The one time is one time too many.
Unfortunately, it's usually not just the one time.
The quotes above are just parts of conversations I've had with women (some I know personally)
sharing their horrific tales of abuse. Some make excuses because they've been so physically and psychologically abused that they, at times, think it's their fault.
"It was my fault...if only I hadn't done...."
"He was just so drunk and I shouldn't have aggravated him..."
"He had a bad childhood, he doesn't know any better..."
I write this today, to raise awareness on this issue, to express my solidarity with these women and to tell them that they are not alone, that they have help available and that it's okay to reach out...
I want to say there is courage in each and every one of them...whether they're aware of it or not.
It is not any easy subject to discuss and it's not any easier writing about it. However, I simply cannot ignore this. Time and time again, I am faced with hearing stories from countless women on their undertakings, their own journey of self-depracation and denial. I hope for an awakening for them. That, if they are ready...that they can move towards healing and an understanding but it will take some work. That is, perhaps in a convoluted twist, a 'best case scenario'.
A 'worst case scenario' is succinctly the exact opposite and the abuse continues again and again.
Why is it that some of these men continue to abuse?
Why do the women (often times) stay in the relationship?
How many more do we not know about?
How many more women are subjected to this abuse?
When will it end?
What can we do?
If you know of anyone that needs help, please have them contact:
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
http://www.ndvh.org/
For references and info, please check this link:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
I also hope for the men to wake up, too....that they discontinue the cycle of abuse.
We also need their help in putting an end to this.
With compassion, strength and forgiveness...
<3
"He cut me off from my friends and family..."
"He hit me while I was pregnant..."
"He was so nice in the beginning...I don't know what happened..."
Domestic violence happens everywhere. Not just in war torn countries, or in poverty-stricken urban areas. Sometimes, it's down the street. Sometimes, it's in your neighborhood.
The one time is one time too many.
Unfortunately, it's usually not just the one time.
The quotes above are just parts of conversations I've had with women (some I know personally)
sharing their horrific tales of abuse. Some make excuses because they've been so physically and psychologically abused that they, at times, think it's their fault.
"It was my fault...if only I hadn't done...."
"He was just so drunk and I shouldn't have aggravated him..."
"He had a bad childhood, he doesn't know any better..."
I write this today, to raise awareness on this issue, to express my solidarity with these women and to tell them that they are not alone, that they have help available and that it's okay to reach out...
I want to say there is courage in each and every one of them...whether they're aware of it or not.
It is not any easy subject to discuss and it's not any easier writing about it. However, I simply cannot ignore this. Time and time again, I am faced with hearing stories from countless women on their undertakings, their own journey of self-depracation and denial. I hope for an awakening for them. That, if they are ready...that they can move towards healing and an understanding but it will take some work. That is, perhaps in a convoluted twist, a 'best case scenario'.
A 'worst case scenario' is succinctly the exact opposite and the abuse continues again and again.
Why is it that some of these men continue to abuse?
Why do the women (often times) stay in the relationship?
How many more do we not know about?
How many more women are subjected to this abuse?
When will it end?
What can we do?
If you know of anyone that needs help, please have them contact:
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
http://www.ndvh.org/
For references and info, please check this link:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
I also hope for the men to wake up, too....that they discontinue the cycle of abuse.
We also need their help in putting an end to this.
With compassion, strength and forgiveness...
<3
Thursday, March 4, 2010
For US
This was inspired by seeing Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeroes in concert on March 3rd, 2010 and by the lyrics to their song: Carries On. To try and describe succinctly how I felt, the elation, the pure bliss....still does not do it justice...but I had to share...because it's what I felt compelled to do...
For Us
Bursting.
Eyes follow.
Magnetic.
One love
We connect.
The Earth shakes.
We sway...
In Unison
One touch
Our walls fall.
Entranced.
Words swell...
An Unspoken Truth.
One look
Zero In.
Stay.
Lift
Me
Higher...
One smile
I melt.
Swoon.
Fall,
Fall,
Fall.
Sit
To
Stand Up
One word...
love
touch
look
smile
laugh
live
to
give
share
sing
and
carry
on..............
For Us
Bursting.
Eyes follow.
Magnetic.
One love
We connect.
The Earth shakes.
We sway...
In Unison
One touch
Our walls fall.
Entranced.
Words swell...
An Unspoken Truth.
One look
Zero In.
Stay.
Lift
Me
Higher...
One smile
I melt.
Swoon.
Fall,
Fall,
Fall.
Sit
To
Stand Up
One word...
love
touch
look
smile
laugh
live
to
give
share
sing
and
carry
on..............
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A History With Others: To Connect or Disconnect
A really great article on assessing and/or re-evaluating your friendships/connections with others and yourself.
Friendship Divorce
“What do you do when you realize that although you may have years of history, and found real value in each other in times past, that you kind of don't like a friend anymore? That, after time spent with this person, you feel drained, empty, belittled or insulted. My father always used to tell me that, ‘you can't make new old friends.’ How do you distinguish if someone in your life makes you change for the better or if you are better off without them?”
Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel replies:
I appreciate the wisdom in this statement, “We can’t make new old friends.” There is something noble about honoring our history with others. In the context of your question, it also opens a door to an even deeper inquiry: “What does it mean to be a friend?” and “What is our responsibility to others?”
I was wandering around the city today. I enjoy interacting with everyone I meet. People are often much easier to be around when we don’t have history with them – it’s fresh. And this made me wonder...
It seems that the people with whom we share a history we often have a lot of unspoken agreements with. We have agreements that we will stay the same and uphold certain dynamics that are comfortable for us – that make us feel secure. Such agreements can be insidious; we may not even notice them.
We may, for example, share in our relationship a subtle agreement that “Life is hard,” or that “We are the only ones that understand”; or we may agree to share a common enemy. We may hook up with a high school friend on the Internet and agree to relate to them in the same way we did twenty years ago, even though we’ve grown up, have a family, and see the world in a completely different way now. Sometimes in relationships, we agree to deny that something
unhealthy is going on, such as substance abuse or illness. Sometimes we agree to take on certain roles in a relationship such as being “the boss,” “the victim,” or “the strong one.” And as part of the dynamic we may have an unspoken agreement to take responsibility for the emotional life of another in a way that is crippling for them — that prevents them from finding emotional independence. Such agreements are challenged when one person starts to change and move ahead in life.
The important thing to recognize about agreements is that it takes more than one person to make one. If we see that an agreement is not serving our well-being and the well-being of our friend, it is intelligent to break it... and it is possible to break an agreement without abandoning the friendship. In fact, it is an act of courage and kindness to ourselves and to our friend.
We are all looking for well-being and happiness in life. So the purpose of friendship is to support and be supported in our search for well-being and happiness. Breaking unhealthy agreements challenges our tendency to withdraw into habitual ways of being that sabotage this intention. At the same time, breaking unhealthy agreements awakens our longing to grow and experience a sense of wonderment about ourselves and the world. There are many ways of being in relationship and this is an opportunity to learn something new.
Of course, there is always a chance our friend may not be interested in working on the relationship with you. That is their choice. But this doesn’t mean we can’t remain faithful to our friend; it doesn’t mean that we have to give up our care for them or our wish for their well-being. There is no need to abandon them. In fact, as citizens of the human race, isn’t it our responsibility to never abandon anyone?
If we live with clarity and integrity, how could it conflict with the well-being of others? Our relationship to others has everything to do with the relationship we have with ourselves, as well as the clarity of our vision. In a larger sense, cultivating love and care for all living beings is the only way to live with integrity and purpose.
Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel is the author of the upcoming book, “The Power of an Open Question” (Shambhala Publications).
Dr. Karen Binder-Byrnes replies:
Friendship is one of the most enduring and wonderful gifts of being alive. Friendship is universal in humanity. Young children start friendships with the sharing of curiosities, toys and laughter. As we grow, some friendships develop with us for a lifetime providing companionship, support, and love for each other’s beings. I believe that friendship, throughout our lives, serves as a mirror of our very essence. The love, laughter and concern we share with friends gives
us a sense of self which can sometimes be thwarted within our family relations. Our friends become our historians, secret keepers and comrades on life’s journey. In the years I have worked as a therapist, the friends of my patients have filled my practice space with their presence as fierce defenders, continual cheerleaders and often lifesavers.
The question this week deals with why friendships change and even sometimes end after long periods of time. We have probably all had friends in our lives who were so involved with us during certain periods that the thought of that person no longer being around seems impossible. However, just like many other human relationships, friendships are quite complicated and can be fraught with conflict and tension at times. There are countless reasons why even some of the more enduring friendships come apart at the seams. On the most basic level, friendships can change when two people grow apart from each other. This can happen when friends meet and get close during certain periods of their lives because they are sharing common experiences together. This may include growing up in the same area, going to school together, being on sports teams etc. As we grow and mature, friends that once “fit” no longer do and we move on. Hopefully, this change occurs slowly and naturally over time and without much stress attached. Proximity is also very important in creating and maintaining close connections with friends. Sometimes, physical distance creates a wedge between friends.
The more painful termination of friendships has to do with more complex psychological and emotional issues and are often fraught with anxiety and great distress. Friendships that last a lifetime are those in which the balance between give and take, honesty and support, and a genuine desire for our friend’s well-being are paramount. Unfortunately, as in all human relations, this balance can some times shift and no longer benefit one or the other in the relationship. For example, a friendship can go along smoothly until one half of the pair comes into some circumstance where social or financial status shifts. How two friends deal with the change of fortune for one or the other is a delicate mission. Here jealousy, envy and insecurities may arise creating tension where none existed before. As we go through life, we realize that some friends are always there when things go wrong for us but cannot stand it when our luck changes for the better. Likewise, some friendships cannot tolerate the loss of status, position or standing of the friend. Sadly, sometimes friendships are harmed when others in the friend’s life such as spouse, other friends etc., create tension. A more deeply held psychological construct is that of who we pick in the first place to be our friends. Until we become psychologically aware and more evolved, we may pick the wrong people to befriend as a way of working out unresolved interpersonal issues from our pasts. As we become more emotionally healthy, those friendships will no longer be tolerable. For example, when one has low self-esteem, they may pick critical friends as a way of reinforcing their negative self-view. However, if one grows more confident, this dynamic may no longer be acceptable.
In essence, our friends are the life-affirming fountain from which we drink. Good friends fill us up with warmth, honesty and a sense of well-being. If you feel drained, empty, belittled and insulted by a friend you should acknowledge that this is diminishing your life experience and not enhancing it. In this case, I would move away from this person, honor whatever good you did get from them in the past, and move toward those friends in life that only want to help light your way! Thank you.
Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes is a leading psychologist with a private practice in New York City for the past 15 years. See her website, DrKarennyc.com for more information.
Cynthia Bourgeault replies:
“Old friends” and “true friends” are not necessarily identical. Old friends have stood the test of time; true friends are timeless. True friends may have been in your life since your childhood
or they may have shown up only yesterday, but it’s from the quality of the heart that you know them, not the number of years you’ve logged together.
Most friendships are situational, though we don’t like to admit it. They spring up in the ground of common interests and/or common circumstances. Your “mommy group,” yoga friends, work associates — and going back in time, college roommates, high school teammates and even childhood chums — are all examples of situational friendships. Within these enclaves, we may feel closer to some folks than to others. But as our circumstances change or our life’s journey takes us in separate directions, the common ground begins to fade, and maintaining the connection takes more and more energy — sometimes, just too much energy! That’s nothing to beat yourself up about: situational friendships aren’t “fake,” they’re just “not forever.”
Sometimes it’s not only okay but downright healthy to move on. If you’ve just entered recovery, for example, or decided to shed those unwanted pounds by committing to a healthy lifestyle, your old drinking buddies may no longer be the best companions for you. People who embark on a spiritual practice like yoga, meditation, or contemplative prayer regularly report “losing a whole set of old friends and gaining a whole set of new ones.” Couples who suddenly become parents find themselves drifting away from their “swinging singles” friends, while sadly, couples who divorce will frequently find themselves “divorced” from their still-happily-married friends as well. While this can be painful, as all loss of intimacy is, it becomes psychologically corrosive only when you also have to fight your expectation that it shouldn’t be this way. Nobody has failed; it’s just life doing its thing.
Still, true friends do exist, miraculously hidden amongst all the situational flux. How do you recognize them? Usually they reveal themselves only after the situation itself has changed. And the results can be surprising: sometimes the people who remain in your life and the ones who fall out are not at all what you would have predicted! But these “friends forever,” however they play out in your particular life situation, always seem to share three characteristics:
1) They have a capacity to grow with you (and you with them )
through life’s changing circumstances;
2) They are low-maintenance, rarely-to-never imposing themselves
or laying expectations on you;
3) Contact with them, when it comes, is never a duty, but always a
gift “heart to heart.”
Such friends—always a rare and special breed — have an uncanny knack for being able to stay in tune with you emotionally over huge gaps of time and space. Maybe you don’t hear from them
for three years — or thirty — but then the phone rings and there they are again, and it’s like picking up as if you never left off.
We can’t command the heart, of course. We can’t pre-screen our friends for potential “forever” status, or impose this expectation as a unilateral requirement. But paradoxically, perhaps, the best way to help all our friendships grow wisely and well is to take responsibility for our own aloneness.
No friendship can long survive under coercion and demand. If we seek friends because they “feed us,” or hide us from our loneliness or boredom or fear; if we expect them to “be there for us” because we don’t know how to be there for ourselves, then this kind of neediness is eventually going to translate into demand and duty, and on these rocks many friendships founder. The relationship becomes just too fraught with expectations, hidden agendas, and disappointments, and eventually the barrel runs dry. Whenever either party begins to feel, “This friendship is draining me,” it’s a pretty sure tip-off that an iceberg of hidden expectation is lurking beneath the surface — in which both parties, alas, are partially complicit. The more we can take responsibility for our own emotional well-being, the more we can
live comfortably in our own skin, the more friendship can become what it is truly meant to be — whether for the whole of our life or just the miracle of the present: the spontaneous overflowing of our uniquely human capacity for intimacy, compassion, and joy.
Cynthia Bourgeault is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada.
Michael Berg replies:
What is the purpose of friendship? Obviously there are all kinds of physical reasons for our friendships- we enjoy someone’s company, they are easy to talk to, they make us laugh – but this is not the true purpose.
The kabbalists teach that one of the only true choices we make in life is our environment, and the friends we surround ourselves with. This has a tremendous influence on us because everything flows from there.
Consider this: you put an apple seed on the table and water it for months. Naturally, if you were to water it for a million years it still wouldn’t grow to become a tree. But if you put it in the ground and watered it, then it would become a tree. The potential for greatness is true in that seed always, but the environment – table vs ground – makes all the difference.
The same is true for people.
The spiritual core reason for a friendship is that it can – and is meant to - help us change and grow. Friends are people who call us on our issues, push us to grow and support us through this process.
We can’t overestimate how important good friends are to our growth in life.
As a matter of fact, one of the first things written in the Bible in relation humanity is, “it is not good for man to be alone.” We cannot achieve our potential, nor live a life of fulfillment,
without great, inspiring friends around us.
Therefore, if we choose to be surrounded by friends who are not positive, or who speak ill, then it’s going to be almost impossible not to fall into that type of behavior.
We have to appreciate the amount of influence our friends and the environment we create for ourselves truly has on our lives. Once we know and understand how important it is, we have to assess our friendships. Everything else is secondary to the question, “Does he or she help me to become a better person - does he or she push me and help me grow?”
Once we make that assessment, then the answer is pretty simple. If we have a friend that makes us feel worthless, hurts us, or doesn’t enable us to grow and actually makes us feel bad, then clearly that’s a friendship and environment we don’t want to subject ourselves to. We have the responsibility to diminish that friendship. Not only isn’t it serving its purpose, it can have a detrimental effect on us.
Now, this does not mean it is OK to cut people out of our lives. In fact, the first thing we want to do when we notice a relationship isn’t helping – or is hurting - is to see what we can do to help them in their process. Maybe if we speak to them clearly and forcefully they will change. It is our first responsibility to help our friend become a better person and friend. But, assuming we have
done everything we can and the friendship is still no longer serving its purpose, yes, it is our responsibility to diminish that bond.
Please note my choice of words: diminish, not cut. My father taught me that if someone has been our friend, they are our friend forever. It doesn’t mean spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with them if it makes us feel bad. But it does mean that whenever there is an opportunity to help, we must. If they were once our friend, then they are our friend forever in that regard. Just because we make a decision that this is someone we shouldn’t be spending a lot of time with, it doesn’t mean we must completely tighten the heartstrings.
Assess your friendships. If they are supporting you in your growth and change, then cherish them. If they diminish you, then you diminish them. But, once again, a friend is always a friend. Though they may no longer be a constant presence in your life nevertheless if there is an opportunity to help you should, always be open, for true friendship never ends.
Michael Berg is a Kabbalah scholar and author. He is co-Director of The Kabbalah Centre, www.kabbalah.com. You can follow Michael on twitter, twitter.com/inspiringchange. His latest book is What God Meant.
Friendship Divorce
“What do you do when you realize that although you may have years of history, and found real value in each other in times past, that you kind of don't like a friend anymore? That, after time spent with this person, you feel drained, empty, belittled or insulted. My father always used to tell me that, ‘you can't make new old friends.’ How do you distinguish if someone in your life makes you change for the better or if you are better off without them?”
Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel replies:
I appreciate the wisdom in this statement, “We can’t make new old friends.” There is something noble about honoring our history with others. In the context of your question, it also opens a door to an even deeper inquiry: “What does it mean to be a friend?” and “What is our responsibility to others?”
I was wandering around the city today. I enjoy interacting with everyone I meet. People are often much easier to be around when we don’t have history with them – it’s fresh. And this made me wonder...
It seems that the people with whom we share a history we often have a lot of unspoken agreements with. We have agreements that we will stay the same and uphold certain dynamics that are comfortable for us – that make us feel secure. Such agreements can be insidious; we may not even notice them.
We may, for example, share in our relationship a subtle agreement that “Life is hard,” or that “We are the only ones that understand”; or we may agree to share a common enemy. We may hook up with a high school friend on the Internet and agree to relate to them in the same way we did twenty years ago, even though we’ve grown up, have a family, and see the world in a completely different way now. Sometimes in relationships, we agree to deny that something
unhealthy is going on, such as substance abuse or illness. Sometimes we agree to take on certain roles in a relationship such as being “the boss,” “the victim,” or “the strong one.” And as part of the dynamic we may have an unspoken agreement to take responsibility for the emotional life of another in a way that is crippling for them — that prevents them from finding emotional independence. Such agreements are challenged when one person starts to change and move ahead in life.
The important thing to recognize about agreements is that it takes more than one person to make one. If we see that an agreement is not serving our well-being and the well-being of our friend, it is intelligent to break it... and it is possible to break an agreement without abandoning the friendship. In fact, it is an act of courage and kindness to ourselves and to our friend.
We are all looking for well-being and happiness in life. So the purpose of friendship is to support and be supported in our search for well-being and happiness. Breaking unhealthy agreements challenges our tendency to withdraw into habitual ways of being that sabotage this intention. At the same time, breaking unhealthy agreements awakens our longing to grow and experience a sense of wonderment about ourselves and the world. There are many ways of being in relationship and this is an opportunity to learn something new.
Of course, there is always a chance our friend may not be interested in working on the relationship with you. That is their choice. But this doesn’t mean we can’t remain faithful to our friend; it doesn’t mean that we have to give up our care for them or our wish for their well-being. There is no need to abandon them. In fact, as citizens of the human race, isn’t it our responsibility to never abandon anyone?
If we live with clarity and integrity, how could it conflict with the well-being of others? Our relationship to others has everything to do with the relationship we have with ourselves, as well as the clarity of our vision. In a larger sense, cultivating love and care for all living beings is the only way to live with integrity and purpose.
Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel is the author of the upcoming book, “The Power of an Open Question” (Shambhala Publications).
Dr. Karen Binder-Byrnes replies:
Friendship is one of the most enduring and wonderful gifts of being alive. Friendship is universal in humanity. Young children start friendships with the sharing of curiosities, toys and laughter. As we grow, some friendships develop with us for a lifetime providing companionship, support, and love for each other’s beings. I believe that friendship, throughout our lives, serves as a mirror of our very essence. The love, laughter and concern we share with friends gives
us a sense of self which can sometimes be thwarted within our family relations. Our friends become our historians, secret keepers and comrades on life’s journey. In the years I have worked as a therapist, the friends of my patients have filled my practice space with their presence as fierce defenders, continual cheerleaders and often lifesavers.
The question this week deals with why friendships change and even sometimes end after long periods of time. We have probably all had friends in our lives who were so involved with us during certain periods that the thought of that person no longer being around seems impossible. However, just like many other human relationships, friendships are quite complicated and can be fraught with conflict and tension at times. There are countless reasons why even some of the more enduring friendships come apart at the seams. On the most basic level, friendships can change when two people grow apart from each other. This can happen when friends meet and get close during certain periods of their lives because they are sharing common experiences together. This may include growing up in the same area, going to school together, being on sports teams etc. As we grow and mature, friends that once “fit” no longer do and we move on. Hopefully, this change occurs slowly and naturally over time and without much stress attached. Proximity is also very important in creating and maintaining close connections with friends. Sometimes, physical distance creates a wedge between friends.
The more painful termination of friendships has to do with more complex psychological and emotional issues and are often fraught with anxiety and great distress. Friendships that last a lifetime are those in which the balance between give and take, honesty and support, and a genuine desire for our friend’s well-being are paramount. Unfortunately, as in all human relations, this balance can some times shift and no longer benefit one or the other in the relationship. For example, a friendship can go along smoothly until one half of the pair comes into some circumstance where social or financial status shifts. How two friends deal with the change of fortune for one or the other is a delicate mission. Here jealousy, envy and insecurities may arise creating tension where none existed before. As we go through life, we realize that some friends are always there when things go wrong for us but cannot stand it when our luck changes for the better. Likewise, some friendships cannot tolerate the loss of status, position or standing of the friend. Sadly, sometimes friendships are harmed when others in the friend’s life such as spouse, other friends etc., create tension. A more deeply held psychological construct is that of who we pick in the first place to be our friends. Until we become psychologically aware and more evolved, we may pick the wrong people to befriend as a way of working out unresolved interpersonal issues from our pasts. As we become more emotionally healthy, those friendships will no longer be tolerable. For example, when one has low self-esteem, they may pick critical friends as a way of reinforcing their negative self-view. However, if one grows more confident, this dynamic may no longer be acceptable.
In essence, our friends are the life-affirming fountain from which we drink. Good friends fill us up with warmth, honesty and a sense of well-being. If you feel drained, empty, belittled and insulted by a friend you should acknowledge that this is diminishing your life experience and not enhancing it. In this case, I would move away from this person, honor whatever good you did get from them in the past, and move toward those friends in life that only want to help light your way! Thank you.
Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes is a leading psychologist with a private practice in New York City for the past 15 years. See her website, DrKarennyc.com for more information.
Cynthia Bourgeault replies:
“Old friends” and “true friends” are not necessarily identical. Old friends have stood the test of time; true friends are timeless. True friends may have been in your life since your childhood
or they may have shown up only yesterday, but it’s from the quality of the heart that you know them, not the number of years you’ve logged together.
Most friendships are situational, though we don’t like to admit it. They spring up in the ground of common interests and/or common circumstances. Your “mommy group,” yoga friends, work associates — and going back in time, college roommates, high school teammates and even childhood chums — are all examples of situational friendships. Within these enclaves, we may feel closer to some folks than to others. But as our circumstances change or our life’s journey takes us in separate directions, the common ground begins to fade, and maintaining the connection takes more and more energy — sometimes, just too much energy! That’s nothing to beat yourself up about: situational friendships aren’t “fake,” they’re just “not forever.”
Sometimes it’s not only okay but downright healthy to move on. If you’ve just entered recovery, for example, or decided to shed those unwanted pounds by committing to a healthy lifestyle, your old drinking buddies may no longer be the best companions for you. People who embark on a spiritual practice like yoga, meditation, or contemplative prayer regularly report “losing a whole set of old friends and gaining a whole set of new ones.” Couples who suddenly become parents find themselves drifting away from their “swinging singles” friends, while sadly, couples who divorce will frequently find themselves “divorced” from their still-happily-married friends as well. While this can be painful, as all loss of intimacy is, it becomes psychologically corrosive only when you also have to fight your expectation that it shouldn’t be this way. Nobody has failed; it’s just life doing its thing.
Still, true friends do exist, miraculously hidden amongst all the situational flux. How do you recognize them? Usually they reveal themselves only after the situation itself has changed. And the results can be surprising: sometimes the people who remain in your life and the ones who fall out are not at all what you would have predicted! But these “friends forever,” however they play out in your particular life situation, always seem to share three characteristics:
1) They have a capacity to grow with you (and you with them )
through life’s changing circumstances;
2) They are low-maintenance, rarely-to-never imposing themselves
or laying expectations on you;
3) Contact with them, when it comes, is never a duty, but always a
gift “heart to heart.”
Such friends—always a rare and special breed — have an uncanny knack for being able to stay in tune with you emotionally over huge gaps of time and space. Maybe you don’t hear from them
for three years — or thirty — but then the phone rings and there they are again, and it’s like picking up as if you never left off.
We can’t command the heart, of course. We can’t pre-screen our friends for potential “forever” status, or impose this expectation as a unilateral requirement. But paradoxically, perhaps, the best way to help all our friendships grow wisely and well is to take responsibility for our own aloneness.
No friendship can long survive under coercion and demand. If we seek friends because they “feed us,” or hide us from our loneliness or boredom or fear; if we expect them to “be there for us” because we don’t know how to be there for ourselves, then this kind of neediness is eventually going to translate into demand and duty, and on these rocks many friendships founder. The relationship becomes just too fraught with expectations, hidden agendas, and disappointments, and eventually the barrel runs dry. Whenever either party begins to feel, “This friendship is draining me,” it’s a pretty sure tip-off that an iceberg of hidden expectation is lurking beneath the surface — in which both parties, alas, are partially complicit. The more we can take responsibility for our own emotional well-being, the more we can
live comfortably in our own skin, the more friendship can become what it is truly meant to be — whether for the whole of our life or just the miracle of the present: the spontaneous overflowing of our uniquely human capacity for intimacy, compassion, and joy.
Cynthia Bourgeault is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada.
Michael Berg replies:
What is the purpose of friendship? Obviously there are all kinds of physical reasons for our friendships- we enjoy someone’s company, they are easy to talk to, they make us laugh – but this is not the true purpose.
The kabbalists teach that one of the only true choices we make in life is our environment, and the friends we surround ourselves with. This has a tremendous influence on us because everything flows from there.
Consider this: you put an apple seed on the table and water it for months. Naturally, if you were to water it for a million years it still wouldn’t grow to become a tree. But if you put it in the ground and watered it, then it would become a tree. The potential for greatness is true in that seed always, but the environment – table vs ground – makes all the difference.
The same is true for people.
The spiritual core reason for a friendship is that it can – and is meant to - help us change and grow. Friends are people who call us on our issues, push us to grow and support us through this process.
We can’t overestimate how important good friends are to our growth in life.
As a matter of fact, one of the first things written in the Bible in relation humanity is, “it is not good for man to be alone.” We cannot achieve our potential, nor live a life of fulfillment,
without great, inspiring friends around us.
Therefore, if we choose to be surrounded by friends who are not positive, or who speak ill, then it’s going to be almost impossible not to fall into that type of behavior.
We have to appreciate the amount of influence our friends and the environment we create for ourselves truly has on our lives. Once we know and understand how important it is, we have to assess our friendships. Everything else is secondary to the question, “Does he or she help me to become a better person - does he or she push me and help me grow?”
Once we make that assessment, then the answer is pretty simple. If we have a friend that makes us feel worthless, hurts us, or doesn’t enable us to grow and actually makes us feel bad, then clearly that’s a friendship and environment we don’t want to subject ourselves to. We have the responsibility to diminish that friendship. Not only isn’t it serving its purpose, it can have a detrimental effect on us.
Now, this does not mean it is OK to cut people out of our lives. In fact, the first thing we want to do when we notice a relationship isn’t helping – or is hurting - is to see what we can do to help them in their process. Maybe if we speak to them clearly and forcefully they will change. It is our first responsibility to help our friend become a better person and friend. But, assuming we have
done everything we can and the friendship is still no longer serving its purpose, yes, it is our responsibility to diminish that bond.
Please note my choice of words: diminish, not cut. My father taught me that if someone has been our friend, they are our friend forever. It doesn’t mean spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with them if it makes us feel bad. But it does mean that whenever there is an opportunity to help, we must. If they were once our friend, then they are our friend forever in that regard. Just because we make a decision that this is someone we shouldn’t be spending a lot of time with, it doesn’t mean we must completely tighten the heartstrings.
Assess your friendships. If they are supporting you in your growth and change, then cherish them. If they diminish you, then you diminish them. But, once again, a friend is always a friend. Though they may no longer be a constant presence in your life nevertheless if there is an opportunity to help you should, always be open, for true friendship never ends.
Michael Berg is a Kabbalah scholar and author. He is co-Director of The Kabbalah Centre, www.kabbalah.com. You can follow Michael on twitter, twitter.com/inspiringchange. His latest book is What God Meant.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Love hurts and heals....
Something I wanted to share about how I deal with my emotions and how intensely I love...
I've been having a hard time dealing with this 'break up' with Xxxxxxx.
I know that there's this part of me that knows it's really not about Xxxxxxx...
it's what I've attached to him that's the issue. This emotional transference and energy that is going out (towards him) and not towards me. This outpouring of emotion and love
that I willingly, openly and (usually) give too quickly....and for what?
For me, the end result has been the same...heartache, disappointment, tears.
Many contemplations came to the surface after this 'opening':
Why I continually feel I give too much.
Why I feel like there is never enough emotional support.
Why it feels like it's always lacking (father issues anyone?).
Why I feel compelled or why I instinctually do this without thinking things out thorougly.
Why I think that the end result is going to be different even though my actions have been the same.
Do I expect too much? Should I refrain from giving so much (at least in the beginning)?
Would changing my expectations help from preventing this heartache again?
Why do I continually give and sacrifice (and/or ignore) my own needs?
I'm just thinking out loud. This morning, I got tired of thinking about this whole thing.
I wanted some answers without having to contact him....
so, I went on to his profile and looked at his pictures...read some of his comments to others...
it was pretty excruciating for me....and I realized that he wasn't going to call me and make amends...
there was this part of me that was hoping he would....and I don't know why I held on to that...
maybe for distraction..........
maybe there's a part of me that is so accustomed to this process of heartache that it's all I've known...
maybe I needed to break open that heart chakra again and really look at what's going on....
..................................
and those tears flowed...I had to go outside and feel the air on my cheeks.
The pain that I felt in my chest was almost too much to bear.
All I knew was that without any of that old armor...this pain felt so fresh but needed.
I knew that this was part of my process and transformation.
That closing myself off, trying to be 'the strong One' wasn't going to cut it...
that I had to allow myself to feel these things so that I can understand
the why/what/how of my inner workings for more healing and enlightenment.
I knew that forgiveness, gentleness, love and compassion would be
healthier accompaniments then the usual
blame game/men are pigs/etc deal that I used to utilize.
I know that anger used to be my enforcer and source for my dealings
with things of intense, emotional eruptions.
My erratic behavior and rationalization would (in the past) lead to a self destructive path.
I knew that if I didn't face this now, I would have to face it again and again
except that the name would be different...
and most likely the same outcome.
Which is why the inception of: Rewriting HerStory is so imperative.
And really, it's not so much of a 're-writing' but more of a 'new chapter' so to speak.
Stay tuned for more....
I've been having a hard time dealing with this 'break up' with Xxxxxxx.
I know that there's this part of me that knows it's really not about Xxxxxxx...
it's what I've attached to him that's the issue. This emotional transference and energy that is going out (towards him) and not towards me. This outpouring of emotion and love
that I willingly, openly and (usually) give too quickly....and for what?
For me, the end result has been the same...heartache, disappointment, tears.
Many contemplations came to the surface after this 'opening':
Why I continually feel I give too much.
Why I feel like there is never enough emotional support.
Why it feels like it's always lacking (father issues anyone?).
Why I feel compelled or why I instinctually do this without thinking things out thorougly.
Why I think that the end result is going to be different even though my actions have been the same.
Do I expect too much? Should I refrain from giving so much (at least in the beginning)?
Would changing my expectations help from preventing this heartache again?
Why do I continually give and sacrifice (and/or ignore) my own needs?
I'm just thinking out loud. This morning, I got tired of thinking about this whole thing.
I wanted some answers without having to contact him....
so, I went on to his profile and looked at his pictures...read some of his comments to others...
it was pretty excruciating for me....and I realized that he wasn't going to call me and make amends...
there was this part of me that was hoping he would....and I don't know why I held on to that...
maybe for distraction..........
maybe there's a part of me that is so accustomed to this process of heartache that it's all I've known...
maybe I needed to break open that heart chakra again and really look at what's going on....
..................................
and those tears flowed...I had to go outside and feel the air on my cheeks.
The pain that I felt in my chest was almost too much to bear.
All I knew was that without any of that old armor...this pain felt so fresh but needed.
I knew that this was part of my process and transformation.
That closing myself off, trying to be 'the strong One' wasn't going to cut it...
that I had to allow myself to feel these things so that I can understand
the why/what/how of my inner workings for more healing and enlightenment.
I knew that forgiveness, gentleness, love and compassion would be
healthier accompaniments then the usual
blame game/men are pigs/etc deal that I used to utilize.
I know that anger used to be my enforcer and source for my dealings
with things of intense, emotional eruptions.
My erratic behavior and rationalization would (in the past) lead to a self destructive path.
I knew that if I didn't face this now, I would have to face it again and again
except that the name would be different...
and most likely the same outcome.
Which is why the inception of: Rewriting HerStory is so imperative.
And really, it's not so much of a 're-writing' but more of a 'new chapter' so to speak.
Stay tuned for more....
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Forgiveness Mantra and The Prayer Poem
Very powerful words sent to me by a Shaman and Priestess of the Divine Feminine.
I've displayed them here for you to share. The Forgiveness Mantra is to be repeated 3, 7 or 11 times followed by the Tibetan compassion Mantra 3 times: Om Mani Padme Hum.
FORGIVE MANTRAM
I AM FORGIVENESS ACTING HERE
CASTING OUT ALL DOUBT AND FEAR
SETTING SOULS FOREVER FREE
ON WINGS OF COSMIC VICTORY
I AM CALLING FORTH FULL POWER
FOR FORGIVENESS EVERY HOUR
TO ALL LIFE IN EVERY PLACE
I NOW FLOOD FORTH FORGIVING GRACE.
IT IS SO NOW!
* * * * *
I AM PRAYER
I AM a Child of the Original ONE,
I AM a Ray of the Original Sun,
I AM Wholeness, I AM Love.
I AM the Truth that Spans the Sands of Time,
I AM the Rainbow of the Very First Shine,
I AM Music, I AM Light.
Let the Light Descend Upon Me,
Guide the Way with Golden Light,
No Other God will Stand Before Me ...
As I Embrace the One True Life I was Born to Live...
By the Will of the Original ONE.
I AM a Face of the Original God,
I AM a Voice of the Original Sound,
I AM a Wave Upon the Ocean of Eternal Light.
I Reach My Arms Up to the Heavens, and say,
I AM THIS I AM.
The Presence of the Ancient One
Springs Forth at My Command.
I AM One With God,
I AM THIS I AM ...
And, as I Decree It, So It Is.
Love and Light to you all...
<3
I've displayed them here for you to share. The Forgiveness Mantra is to be repeated 3, 7 or 11 times followed by the Tibetan compassion Mantra 3 times: Om Mani Padme Hum.
FORGIVE MANTRAM
I AM FORGIVENESS ACTING HERE
CASTING OUT ALL DOUBT AND FEAR
SETTING SOULS FOREVER FREE
ON WINGS OF COSMIC VICTORY
I AM CALLING FORTH FULL POWER
FOR FORGIVENESS EVERY HOUR
TO ALL LIFE IN EVERY PLACE
I NOW FLOOD FORTH FORGIVING GRACE.
IT IS SO NOW!
* * * * *
I AM PRAYER
I AM a Child of the Original ONE,
I AM a Ray of the Original Sun,
I AM Wholeness, I AM Love.
I AM the Truth that Spans the Sands of Time,
I AM the Rainbow of the Very First Shine,
I AM Music, I AM Light.
Let the Light Descend Upon Me,
Guide the Way with Golden Light,
No Other God will Stand Before Me ...
As I Embrace the One True Life I was Born to Live...
By the Will of the Original ONE.
I AM a Face of the Original God,
I AM a Voice of the Original Sound,
I AM a Wave Upon the Ocean of Eternal Light.
I Reach My Arms Up to the Heavens, and say,
I AM THIS I AM.
The Presence of the Ancient One
Springs Forth at My Command.
I AM One With God,
I AM THIS I AM ...
And, as I Decree It, So It Is.
Love and Light to you all...
<3
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Journal Entry dated 01/07/10:
Today is Bill's birthday. This morning, I woke up really early. Thoughts about relationships, how they ended, what I felt at the time and how I feel now, culminated into a realization revolving around my father and what I never received from him...and how I allowed myself a break down and re-building of my being.
The energy I was putting forth needed to stay within me.
What I give to others, I must gift to myself. What I lacked from my father, I must find (internally) the strength to fill that empty void. No relationship, no man or woman can ever fill it.
I, and I alone, must reconcile the conflicts within.
Today is Bill's birthday. This morning, I woke up really early. Thoughts about relationships, how they ended, what I felt at the time and how I feel now, culminated into a realization revolving around my father and what I never received from him...and how I allowed myself a break down and re-building of my being.
The energy I was putting forth needed to stay within me.
What I give to others, I must gift to myself. What I lacked from my father, I must find (internally) the strength to fill that empty void. No relationship, no man or woman can ever fill it.
I, and I alone, must reconcile the conflicts within.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Truly Yours
I have been receiving these messages from 'The Universe' for some time now and it's pretty eerie when they start to 'speak' to me in ways that are very prevalent (and reflective) of the current events of my life.
I cannot fully describe the growth and wisdom I have acquired in the latter part of 2009, let alone the amount of introspection and internal excavation I've partaken in within the few weeks of 2010. What I would like to share, with all of you, are the messages that were sent to me by the "Universe" angels via www.tut.com that remind me of this: synchronicity, magic, hope and unconditional love really do exist.
Thanks for every single time you ever fell in love. Whether or not it was obvious. Whether or not it lasted. And whether or not you were loved back.
It changed everything.
Actually, you're always loved back....
You changer,
The Universe
************************
The BIG THING rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn't even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.
So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they're going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.
Patience is cool. Really cool.
Won't be long,
The Universe
I cannot fully describe the growth and wisdom I have acquired in the latter part of 2009, let alone the amount of introspection and internal excavation I've partaken in within the few weeks of 2010. What I would like to share, with all of you, are the messages that were sent to me by the "Universe" angels via www.tut.com that remind me of this: synchronicity, magic, hope and unconditional love really do exist.
Thanks for every single time you ever fell in love. Whether or not it was obvious. Whether or not it lasted. And whether or not you were loved back.
It changed everything.
Actually, you're always loved back....
You changer,
The Universe
************************
The BIG THING rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn't even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.
So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they're going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.
Patience is cool. Really cool.
Won't be long,
The Universe
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