Where Grace Lives

It’s like this calling or longing...a great desire within me to travel the world in search of the missing pieces of myself.  A Global Pilgrimage if you will.  But, I’m not entirely sure I’m searching for the missing parts or if I’m just hoping to find my ‘Heart Home’ where Grace lives.

Sometimes I feel like many things are happening simultaneously.  I feel this restlessness to wander, explore and travel while sitting in stillness enjoying the present moment.  

A dichotomy that feels like an internal struggle where there is no victory, only more inquiry.

And sometimes, I feel as though I am a visitor in my own home.

There’s more.  It’s like a craving or gnawing hunger that food cannot simply satiate.  It is the Unseen thing flickering in your peripheral but gone when you turn to look at it head on.

It is Mystery incarnate.  It is beyond words and linear understanding.  

It is the ecstatic Love that was once tasted and then suddenly gone with no warning.  The unspoken and unanswered question of wondering if it will ever show up again.  The wanting of being Loved but holding All at arms length because that’s all you’ve known since and Fear has kept you company.

The unknowing of Who You Are at times and what you were meant to do on this Earthly plane of existence.

I know what I must do.  I need to Integrate.  Weave all my experiences, lessons, loss, love, tears, giggles...ALL of it into a Cosmic Blanket of Stars that turn into Wings when I need them so I can Soar and Flyyyyyyyyyy.... and when it has run its course, they turn into dirt and dust allowing me to feel the First Connection: Mother Earth.  Where we ALL belong and come from.

Full Moon Reflection

As I stared into the glow of La Luna, I envisioned her bathing my entire body with Her moonlight.
I'm sure it may have seem odd to some. A lone woman, standing in the middle of the street and gazing up into the night sky. Her eyes and face mirroring love and awe.
In many myths, the Moon is female and the Sun is male. In one of my stories, it is the reverse. A Love Story for another time.

My thoughts stray to my Family. Not the one I was born into but the one I chose. My True Kapwa.
I reflected on our Ceremonies, how much I love it and how much the Community means to me. In words I simply cannot convey. It is the most precious time where we collectively gather and open our hearts to the mysteries of this Earth, and where our Spirits dance in and out of our dreams. It is a time where our hearts beat as one and our voices carry each other right alongside the Wind. It's where we share our secrets and stories by the fire. It is in this Sacred Safe Space where Love does not need a Voice, it is felt instantaneously like how one draws in breath or how a Mother wraps her arms around her children in comfort.

It is when we step out of Ceremony and rejoin the 'outside' world, where I try to reach with invisible hands ways to remind me of this 'ceremonious connection'. I dial numbers, I use my fingertips to spell out words... I reach out to those that were there so I can re-remember that it was real and that it DID happen... And how can I feebly attempt to feel that way again?
Connected. Loved. Seen. Heard. Validated. Embraced. Acknowledged.

Wholeheartedly.

That's my process of how I try to integrate the experience while still feeling Connected. The challenging dance of needing solitude for decompression and still feeling a part of the Circle created by the Ceremony.

I've also come to realize the magic of my Ancestors. Understanding how, who and what WE are. Connecting, networking, revealers of Love and Grace.
This magic runs in our blood. It is seen in tiny glimpses when our eyes twinkle.
And when I close my eyes tonight, it is always my wish to dream and adventure within all the realms hoping to meet some familiar Spirits along the Way.