Momentary Reprieve

Momentary Reprieve 
I finally have a moment to catch my breath. I was watching the shadows and light dance as I set my coffee cup down. 
Here at the beach house, the black dress I’m wearing is camouflaging me as I sit typing on my friends’ black couch. In one week, I became unemployed, displaced and had to evacuate. Then, I slept somewhat in my car with the Stars to keep me company. Dear friends offered their homes as I tried to hold it all together with my usual brave front. 
This morning, it just hit me. ALL of it. My own emotions and thoughts and questions and doubts. As I scrolled through my news feed, posts from other displaced friends sharing their own stories…it just fuckin’ hit me and the tears I was doing my best to hold back came flooding down my cheeks. 
The sky here is a mix of grey with hints of blue. The Sun rose this morning. The Wind carries a song only a rare few can hear. The Sea continues to kiss the shore again and again. 
Please do not mistake my tears for weakness. They carry my sadness and frustration, my joy and gratitude, my story of honesty and recovery. They represent all that I cannot say with words and I was finally in a safe enough place to let them flow. 
I don’t know what the future holds for me, for You, for our Community. I know that we can choose to Create it. Whatever we envision, we can Dream It Into BEing. 
It’s been a tumultuous ride for me…from shock, fear, sadness, reflection. To gratitude. 
Now? I’m feeling antsy. I want to go Home. I also want to hide under the covers and not Adult, but that’s the opposite of being productive…and I need to Channel this energy into creating…something! 
My heart goes out to the many friends that have lost their homes. I know some are gathering this weekend to be together, play music and to just be there for one another. 
I still need some more alone time. I need to write, heal, cry, laugh and create. 
I’m with you all in Spirit. Loving you All always. 
That’s all for now. Will update more soon. 

Reflection

Reflection:

I have mix matched socks on. I had to get dressed in the Dark and in a hurry. The only light I had was from my phone. In the background, sirens were blaring and the wind was blowing debris against the windows and doors. A voice via a megaphone was instructing me to evacuate. Not even 5 min and I had to choose what would go with me. The ‘essentials’. Drum? Check. Laptop? Check. Sleeping Bag? Check. A few clothing items? Check. Socks and shoes? Check.

I rushed out to my car and I stopped in my tracks. The fire from the hillside that was a few hundred feet from the building was engulfed in flames. La Luna was hidden by Darkness and smoke. Someone pulled over and I leaned in to see if they needed help but they had their phone out to take a picture. Cars were lining the streets. People were staring up mesmerized by the scene before us that resembled Hell and The Apocalypse. I honestly didn’t know where to go. I thought of a place I felt safe so I headed there. I called them, but no answer so I parked in front of their house in Oxnard. I stared down the dark, unlit street. A few stars twinkled at me. I checked social media for updates and news. Fear set in. What will be left standing in the morning? I may have nothing left except for what I took with me, what I had on and whatever was in my storage.

That hit me hard. And I knew I wasn’t the only one.

Calls and texts started to come in. Places were being set up for evacuees to go. I didn’t really want to be around people. I didn’t want to break down in front of anyone and wear my fear on my face. I wanted to hide in the night and seek solace by myself. I wanted to go inward.

I was just laid off on Friday and now this. When I asked The Universe: What’s Next? I had little preparation for...well, THIS.

Fire cleanses. Fire brings renewal. Fire burns what we no longer need or want. Our inner fires can never be put out.

I slept in my car, curled up in my sleeping bag that reminds me of orange sherbet. Regardless of what happens, I’m alive. I’m safe. I have people in my life whom I love and care for. I have their prayers.

The Cross continues to smolder. Homes have been burned to the ground. And yet, Bell Arts Still Stands. Like a Beacon Of Hope through this destruction and devastation. For me, it symbolizes something so profound and meaningful. We will Create. We will continue to Dream. We will Rebuild.

Hopefully, through this tragedy we will rise from the ashes and get through this together and make this city EVEN BETTER. The citizens of this beloved community are some of the best people I know.

I love you All.