Better now than later...

The subject line is in reference to things that happen to us that cause us tremendous pain (in the beginning)...
my friend said it to me after my whole JP experience and I think about that because what if (hypothetically) we married and had kids? And so, it applies to your situation as well...oui?

I've been thinking a lot lately. When we first started talking again, I thought to myself: Okay. This isn't so bad. Maybe this could bring some closure....

And it did. What we had was in the past. And what we have now is something better. Compassion. Understanding. Growth. Strength. Trust. Open communication. I'm not saying we didn't have that before...it's just different. It's more balanced. I realized how much happier I am now that you're back in my life and I can't see you not being a part of it....and if there's a chance of losing it again...I don't know if I would be willing to take that risk.

I've been contemplating your situation and the chance of us becoming lovers again. I feel great trepidation when I think about it. I think it would feel good in the beginning, but then what if we stopped being friends? I'd rather have you in my life as my friend then risk losing you over one night of passion. The thing is....I wouldn't want one night. And I don't want to be your rebound either. I deserve and desire more.

I know that it seems like an easy and convenient situation....we've already been together, we trust each other....but what happens after? What if I start feeling things again? What if I want more? What then?

I wanted to broach this subject because it's been circling in my head since last we spoke. And believe me...my vagina is jumping up and down :0)...but my heart is the one that's reining things back saying, "Remember last time? Remember how much it hurt to lose so much?"

What's so confusing about this whole thing is the synchronicity of it all. We both have discussed and shared our experiences that seem to repeat over and over again....and look at our own situation...here we are, in a sense, in a somewhat repeated scenario but we're both different..and it's as if the clocks have turned back time but we were able to bring our wisdom with us so that the ending can be different...if we so choose...does this make sense?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I think I want it all...a life together, normal things like making dinner and watching a movie with the kids, staying up late and talking into the night, writing and creating together, making crazy love for days and days....and if I can't have that, then I don't think I can just settle for one night filled with passion or being just a 'mistress'....

So....if for right now...all you have to offer is your friendship and nothing more...

Then..... know I graciously accept it with open arms and sporadic giggles... :0)

The Looking Glass

At first glance I see him with his curly brown hair and electric blue eyes staring back at me. Then, the image changes and I see my own face with my brown/black eyes harboring the questions I've been avoiding the answers to....

He was a great mirror. I got to see more of my wounded self and heal those parts. I got to feel those rare emotions...dance with them for a bit...and he certainly helped my creative energy...becoming another influence to look inward...and I begrudgingly pointed the finger at the reflection in the mirror as opposed to pointing it at others...a typical defense mechanism most choose...

Now, I reflect back and cherish some moments that I shall hold inside............
more painted polaroids to add to the collection....

I sneak a peek and he's sitting up against the window, playing my guitar with his eyes closed...the tune channeled from the stillness of his heart and I hold my breath.....
scared that the song will end too soon..............
I hope....one day...I'll hear that song in its entirety...

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He's asleep and I lean over ever so quietly...so quietly he doesn't hear..and I kiss his sun-kissed shoulder, nibbling it like a sandwich and that generates a huge, infectious smile...filling my insides with warmth and a tingling sensation...

Towards the end, it was my wounded ego and hurt pride that steered the wheel and called the shots. In defense of these two voices, they help in matters where I am in need of strength and armor...but sometimes, they cause a 'flight or fight' action that may not be conducive in truly confronting your fears and dealing with emotions in a healthy, positive way...

What I learned from this experience is the merit in patience. Allowing things to evolve organically instead of trying to control every little thing...that being 'quick to judge' and 'jumping the gun' are just manifestations of fear. For next time, if I'm not coming from a place of love then I should wait and meditate until I'm more centered.

Now, I know it's too late...I want to talk to him and tell him I miss him. That I still care and I was just hurt that he chose to just walk away instead of communicating with me....
but then I remember things...............
........ like how alone I felt even when he was laying next to me....................
and I have come to accept that everything happened the way it was supposed to happen because we really weren't right for each other romantically and as I write this...I'm experiencing a feeling of confirmation.

It's so obvious now but when you desire something so much...it's so easy to glaze everything over..........you know......
over look things and ignore the warning signs...

As one door closes, another one opens...........
.....and I love the mystery of the impending adventure.

I can't wait to ride on the coattails of the wind..........
to gather more stories.......... like bunches of wild flowers....
......passing them along to friends and strangers alike........................
.........catching a whiff of a perfumed-scented past
.............like a scintillating present....................
..........sharing the sorrows and joys of life..........

Distracted

I was on a search for an old letter I had written years ago. I looked everywhere. Folders, file cabinets and even inside of books....behind tables and inside boxes. Poof. Gone. Guess I might have to enlist the help of the fairies...

So, in my search, I came across some old copies of submissions from other authors. Some of them had potential and I may still use them in the future....but it was something else that struck me. The realization and passage of time. I wondered how their lives were now. I thought about past loves, loneliness and the things we do to mourn our loss. I thought about how love can be so present and full of hope with the Happily Ever After within reach....how life can change in those dreaded increments of time and how I wish we had the power to stop it...just this once...

I wrote this with all that in mind...

Wish you were here

The record needle is skipping repeatedly
a reminder
the song ended
quite some time ago

Staring out the window
a familiar routine...
followed by a sigh
of ambivalence

Time to sit up
turn the lights off
walk down the hall
ignoring the cold hardwood floor
felt on bare feet
crawl into bed
close your eyes
wish

And then tomorrow
try to do it
all over again

The Lost Blog

“Do you ever get sad?”

“Of course I do. I’m Vegan.”

“What do you do when you’re sad?”

He’s silent for a moment. His eyes look up to the low ceiling of our recently built fort made up of leopard sheets and glittery scarves. He grins half way and hides his face in one of the pillows.

“What are you smiling about?”

“I was afraid you were going to ask me that.”

I almost didn’t catch what he said because his voice was muffled. It gave ‘pillow talk’ a whole new meaning…

“Well?”
(I’m a Leo with a Scorpio rising. We do not give up that easily.)

“Little white bunnies and pink tutus.”

“What?”

He’s laughing and looks up at me with a huge grin.

“Seriously?”

He nods his head vigorously.

“Are the bunnies wearing the tutus?”

“See why I was afraid you were going to ask?”

I share my list with him. Spicy garlic tofu, half noodle, half rice. Butterflies. Scotland. Chocolate. My friends…

We laugh for the millionth time that night. However, I’m not quite done with my interrogation.

“Do you ever feel discouraged and start to question everything? Like you can’t go on?”

“Of course.”

“What do you do then?”

“I go to the Farm Sanctuary. I look at all the animals and they help remind me of why I do what I do.”

The morning comes too quickly as the sunlight breaks through the blinds….but that’s what happens when you share secrets in the Vortex….time ceases to exist and…you don’t want to leave…but you know you have to…….and when you do……………….
.it’s bittersweet…

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