Love hurts and heals....

Something I wanted to share about how I deal with my emotions and how intensely I love...

I've been having a hard time dealing with this 'break up' with Xxxxxxx.
I know that there's this part of me that knows it's really not about Xxxxxxx...
it's what I've attached to him that's the issue. This emotional transference and energy that is going out (towards him) and not towards me. This outpouring of emotion and love
that I willingly, openly and (usually) give too quickly....and for what?

For me, the end result has been the same...heartache, disappointment, tears.

Many contemplations came to the surface after this 'opening':

Why I continually feel I give too much.
Why I feel like there is never enough emotional support.
Why it feels like it's always lacking (father issues anyone?).
Why I feel compelled or why I instinctually do this without thinking things out thorougly.
Why I think that the end result is going to be different even though my actions have been the same.

Do I expect too much? Should I refrain from giving so much (at least in the beginning)?
Would changing my expectations help from preventing this heartache again?

Why do I continually give and sacrifice (and/or ignore) my own needs?

I'm just thinking out loud. This morning, I got tired of thinking about this whole thing.
I wanted some answers without having to contact him....
so, I went on to his profile and looked at his pictures...read some of his comments to others...
it was pretty excruciating for me....and I realized that he wasn't going to call me and make amends...
there was this part of me that was hoping he would....and I don't know why I held on to that...
maybe for distraction..........
maybe there's a part of me that is so accustomed to this process of heartache that it's all I've known...
maybe I needed to break open that heart chakra again and really look at what's going on....
..................................
and those tears flowed...I had to go outside and feel the air on my cheeks.
The pain that I felt in my chest was almost too much to bear.
All I knew was that without any of that old armor...this pain felt so fresh but needed.
I knew that this was part of my process and transformation.
That closing myself off, trying to be 'the strong One' wasn't going to cut it...
that I had to allow myself to feel these things so that I can understand
the why/what/how of my inner workings for more healing and enlightenment.
I knew that forgiveness, gentleness, love and compassion would be
healthier accompaniments then the usual
blame game/men are pigs/etc deal that I used to utilize.

I know that anger used to be my enforcer and source for my dealings
with things of intense, emotional eruptions.
My erratic behavior and rationalization would (in the past) lead to a self destructive path.
I knew that if I didn't face this now, I would have to face it again and again
except that the name would be different...
and most likely the same outcome.

Which is why the inception of: Rewriting HerStory is so imperative.
And really, it's not so much of a 're-writing' but more of a 'new chapter' so to speak.

Stay tuned for more....