Better now than later...

The subject line is in reference to things that happen to us that cause us tremendous pain (in the beginning)...
my friend said it to me after my whole JP experience and I think about that because what if (hypothetically) we married and had kids? And so, it applies to your situation as well...oui?

I've been thinking a lot lately. When we first started talking again, I thought to myself: Okay. This isn't so bad. Maybe this could bring some closure....

And it did. What we had was in the past. And what we have now is something better. Compassion. Understanding. Growth. Strength. Trust. Open communication. I'm not saying we didn't have that before...it's just different. It's more balanced. I realized how much happier I am now that you're back in my life and I can't see you not being a part of it....and if there's a chance of losing it again...I don't know if I would be willing to take that risk.

I've been contemplating your situation and the chance of us becoming lovers again. I feel great trepidation when I think about it. I think it would feel good in the beginning, but then what if we stopped being friends? I'd rather have you in my life as my friend then risk losing you over one night of passion. The thing is....I wouldn't want one night. And I don't want to be your rebound either. I deserve and desire more.

I know that it seems like an easy and convenient situation....we've already been together, we trust each other....but what happens after? What if I start feeling things again? What if I want more? What then?

I wanted to broach this subject because it's been circling in my head since last we spoke. And believe me...my vagina is jumping up and down :0)...but my heart is the one that's reining things back saying, "Remember last time? Remember how much it hurt to lose so much?"

What's so confusing about this whole thing is the synchronicity of it all. We both have discussed and shared our experiences that seem to repeat over and over again....and look at our own situation...here we are, in a sense, in a somewhat repeated scenario but we're both different..and it's as if the clocks have turned back time but we were able to bring our wisdom with us so that the ending can be different...if we so choose...does this make sense?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I think I want it all...a life together, normal things like making dinner and watching a movie with the kids, staying up late and talking into the night, writing and creating together, making crazy love for days and days....and if I can't have that, then I don't think I can just settle for one night filled with passion or being just a 'mistress'....

So....if for right now...all you have to offer is your friendship and nothing more...

Then..... know I graciously accept it with open arms and sporadic giggles... :0)