The Mucus is Here

I enrolled in a creative writing course (alongside all my martial arts and yoga classes) to see if I could 'hone' my craft. My teacher was your typical enigmatic Gemini. I swear she's got enough stories and brass to surprise anyone (she's somewhat elderly and plump). I honestly didn't know what to make of her. Then, she assigns homework the first night...
..........................wait for it...............................

write a paragraph about cottage cheese.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

I bitched and whined to all my friends. They laughed at my misery! (They're also extremely lucky I love them unconditionally)

I procrastinated. I refused to do it and then curiosity got the best of me. There were certain restrictions (oh, yes....in a creative writing class). No descriptions of the container, no details about nutrition or origin and no 'how it tastes' monologues. Great. I don't even like the stuff.
I'm VEGAN for crying out loud!

So, alright. I did it. With oodles of sarcasm. There. You're forewarned.


Cottage cheese is my kryptonite.
It bubbles and gurgles like white lava, hitchhiking it’s way
from store to store taunting me with a mocking vulgarity.

It’s clever alright.

From a glance, an unknowing individual might take it for rice
pudding. For example, the starving insomniac
in a sleep deprived state, would spoon it up thinking it
a bowl of oatmeal only to be surprised by the albino-colored
dour monstrosity of the mistake. The small white humps
resembling tiny smurf-like hills utterly baffles me.
The silver of my spoon contrasts with its lack of color
and it now appears to be curdling even more as I continue
to stare in disbelief. Gas and mucus sustain it's place
in the back of my throat as I get a whiff of it’s sour smell.
In an almost fatal experiment, I dip my finger in the cold,
clumpy mass recalling vivid descriptions of grandiose thighs
and stretch-marked stomachs.

I chuck the remaining amount of white terror at a poster of Chairman Mao and search for another form of sustenance.

Enjoy, all you cottage cheese lovers! :0P