Responding to Indifference

Dear Txxxxx,

I drove up to Big Sur this past weekend. Me and the girls had a 'Vagtastic Reconnection in the Redwoods'. Picture this: hills covered in bright green grass, trees towering towards the sky with the sunlight shining through the branches, a small creek a stone's throw away from our camp that lulled us to sleep each night and four women warriors with a myriad of different talents gathering around a campfire...sharing and giggling into the cooling night.

Most of the campsites were occupied. The neighbors to our left were a combination of two families with 3 children put together. The two fathers and toddlers made their way through the creek as the girls and I sat in our camp chairs...reading & absorbing the beauty that was surrounding us. As they made their way back to camp, one of the dads was carrying the little girl in his arms. She looked safe and trusting, the knowing look of a child that is truly loved...and cared for.

I reflected on that aspect of my life. The father I wished I knew better. The relationship that I still long for. The emotional connection that I'll never attain. Why was I born into this life, with the set of parents that gave me birth? What did I need to learn (in this life) to reach the next enlightened step?

I became overwhelmed for a few minutes. The tears that fell contributed to the flow of our small but serene creek. The fairies whispered encouragement...and the wise ones gently nodded in understanding.

Like I was describing to my sister, Nielle last night..it's not like I had the worst upbringing or childhood...it's just that I feel I received little encouragement and support from either of my parents..feeling obligated to take on the role of 'parent' for my mother and 'guardian' for my little brother...leaving little room for the little girl to be 'a little girl'.

And I realized that the lack of this much needed support carried over to all relationships that I had. That 'hole' that I kept trying to fill with different men..with various distractions (constructive and self-destructive) was never going to be filled if I didn't change my habits, my outlook....myself.

I came to terms with that epiphany. I acknowledged it, accepted it...and allowed the understanding fill my insides.

And all those men...those mirrors helped me in many ways. I remember a time when I just became angry or depressed at why things ended the way that they did....why certain ones just stopped calling...each one of them helped me to see those wounded parts, to try and heal them...helped me to realize that I was treating them exactly how I didn't want to be treated...like an object...like a thing I discarded in the trash....harsh, I know....but it was a defense mechanism for me so that they couldn't hurt me...what I didn't realize was...it was totally hurting me....preventing me from truly opening myself up and having love in my life...

I just didn't think I deserved it.

All I heard from my father was complaints. Complaints about not having money. Complaints about everything. And if he wasn't complaining, he was yelling about something.

I starved for a kind word. A single word of encouragment. A compliment. A hug.

I guess I can blame his military background. Or the lack of a father figure (my grandfather died when he was 8). I can tell you I developed my 'defensive tactics of incessant sarcasm and put-downs' from my father's repeated digs and jokes. My poor mother. She wasn't equipped with a resource of witty comebacks and sarcastic remarks. That passed on to me. It's probably why I'm so obsessed about mentioning 'Vagina' any chance I get. My father loved to make jokes about that at the dinner table. Yeah..don't ask...

I found retaliation through that outlet. My self-expression stemmed from the need to 'stand up for myself'. I'm sure I drew a lot of that strength from these few examples of adversity.

And why do I feel compelled to share this with you? Don't have a clue. I still think about you and wonder how you'll sleep...now that we don't have our 'good night' conversations and 'check ins'.

I hope you'll find whatever it is that you're not searching for.
I wish you love everyday.
And I wish this for me as well.
For the both of us...

All we have is now.

Oblie tout ca...
<3
-Athena