"It's just a salad"

“It’s just a salad.”

A lesson in communicating gratitude with a mindful resonance.

I organized a small event with some friends in the early part of June. As some of you may know, whether the event is 5 or 500 people, it takes planning, organizing, time, energy and sometimes…blood, sweat and tears. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not me flipping my ‘bitch switch’ or making the whining rounds…it’s me sharing a story and experience that consistently helps remind me to observe, learn, communicate, share and evolve.

The intention was to have a proper ‘Salon’. A gathering of artists and activists to discuss art. Some brought food, others brought artwork…one brought his appetite and ‘wit’…the other opened his creative space and home alongside his desire to find a companion unbeknownst to me until the day of.

It was predominately women that attended the event. According to my perspective and opinion, I speculated that the Huckleberry Finn Vortex hadn’t seen that much eccentric, erotic estrogen in quite some time. I got to give it to them, they were diplomatic..sort of.

Food is important. So are my friends. So is art. You would think it’s a winning combo. And it is..however, it’s a gathering for people to meet each other and discuss art…
not E fucking Harmony.

My suspicions were triggered. I got this sense that the efforts of making food and all the preparation were not fully realized or appreciated. I noticed that my male friends were somewhat ogling my tribe and they weren’t really asking questions geared towards art whatsoever. At first, I was going to just let it go but because I valued my friendship with this particular friend…I felt it would behoove the two of us to make a stronger bond and have a better understanding overall…communicating my feelings was the best route.

So, I called him the other night and we talked. I shared how I felt. I tried to convey how my perception was that my actions weren’t appreciated and were taken for granted. I used the example of food (because it’s a really great metaphor in my opinion). I made a beautiful salad with ingredients bought from the Farmer’s market. All organic. All made with love. His response was that he didn’t really value food.

He said very poignantly, “It’s just a salad.”

Wow. I was stunned. My instinct was right. I responded that I took time to go to the Farmer’s Market, spent money in purchasing these things, put it all together and of course wanted to share it with everyone.

What I learned is that when you give, there are some that will truly appreciate your gift…and others…well…all it will be is ‘just a salad’.

And that got me thinking about expectations. Am I giving with the expectation of receiving something in return?

What about a gift that is freely given? Unconditional. No expectations.

Challenging? Yes.

As for my friend, well…I came to terms with what this means. I cannot force my friend to be on my level when it comes to giving….I don’t want to give with conditions nor do I want to dictate how some should respond to my ‘gift giving’.

All you really can do is to lead by living the example. Being the change you wish to see in the world. If I were to talk about how much he should be, I would come off as self-righteous and that is not an endearing quality…in my opinion.

I also realized that it was my ego speaking up, too. Not in a bad way…just piping up when situations cause me to feel very strongly and when this happens…it means things are being stirred up and it pretty much forces me to look at parts of myself that I really need to look at….like someone holding up a mirror to my face…in a way…

I often hear people complain about little things that others do. You know…like not calling back or showing up when they said they would…and what’s funny (and I’m totally guilty of this, too!) is that these very same attributes that others complain of are often the very same things that the person is guilty of…and what do we do with that?

Well, I have found that communicating your feelings is healthy as long as you come from a place of compassion, sensitivity and if you utilize a lot of ‘I feel’ statements. Otherwise, the person you’re trying to have a conversation with will feel attacked and become defensive.

Another way of looking at the ‘salad’ situation is that now I know where my friend is coming from and that some of my gifts will not be appreciated… so I have a choice on whether I continue sharing with him (unconditionally) or find individuals who will appreciate the gift of my ‘salad’. You feelin’ me? Hope so…

The only thing we have control over is our own actions. It is not our job to dictate what others should or shouldn’t do. I have chosen to take this as a lesson in gratitude and from now on….I will do my best in appreciating the gifts that are given to me every day…

To honor my friends and their light..their ‘salads’…their abundant love that I’m so fuckin’ blessed with…

I also felt it was a lesson in reciprocation. Finding those that are willing to give and receive….and honor that as best as I can…
And don’t get me wrong…sometimes it’s good to share with others without the notion of receiving something in return….it’s just that in my case….I feel I’ve given soo much for sooo long that it’s just healthier for me to be aware of situations that would have me going back to my old ways of ‘constantly filling glasses from my own water pitcher, only to find that there’s no water left for me to drink’.

The place where I’m at is one of awareness and awakening.
Things are becoming clearer.

I am shedding my skin and trying to walk with beauty and honor.
Respect and reciprocation. Love and compassion.
A Mindfulness of what I’m open to and what does not serve me in a healthy way.

I wish this for you as well.

With love, infinitely…
A