Looking alike

I was at lunch today, eating my veggie burrito at Snapper Jack's when I watched a family sit down in the booth in front of me. First, I saw the two children (boy and girl) running around obliviously happy as healthy and loved children can be. The little girl was wearing a
hello kitty t-shirt and the little boy a green spiderman tee. Both were adorable.

And before you scream 'biological clock', let me refute it. I think I just missed my family. I miss that weird, comforting feeling of looking around a room and having that unsaid connection with individuals that resemble you...and are inexplicably tied to you by blood.

My relations with my immediate family have been somewhat strained. My parents...estranged. I'm working on it though. It hasn't been easy and watching that micro-mini filipino family just made me realize what I miss..and what will never transpire again.

My brother's wedding was a few days ago. I didn't go. I had a good excuse...the monetary kind...but there was this other part of me that didn't want that lonely feeling to amplify. That 'looking from the outside in' perspective that I know would've evolved. Even in the company of my own flesh and blood...I still don't feel like I fully belong. At times, in the presence of my dear sisters and friends....I feel the same way. And I know I'm not alone.

That's comforting...at least.

Is that why some people procreate? To try and re-capture that feeling and/or sense of family? To try and fill that gaping hole that was never filled in childhood or adulthood?

As I prepare for my celebration of 33 years, I contemplate my life..my existence. I wonder what my future will hold..if the visions I've seen will come into fruition and if this gaping hole I've had inside me will ever be filled...

I do know this...

No one else can fill the emptiness.

No one else is responsible for my happiness.

And I know I'm never alone...
....even if it feels that way sometimes.....