How can one ever regret feeling love?
So, I wrote this in the hopes of alleviating the heartache. It was difficult to convey to others (especially him) about what I was feeling and why. I tried. I really did...but I don't know if it makes sense so I post this here...perhaps...for all those who have felt even an inkling of what I'm describing in this piece....and for those that think love isn't a battlefield but more like a boomerang...returning to you, returning home...
Dearest Cxxxxx,
We all have stories to tell. Some keep them close, hidden in secret places that only the gatekeepers with keys and the correct password have access to. Some etch them on their skin, intricate details symbolizing life changing events, forever capturing particular parts of their lives with no need of repeating the details unless on special occasions when requested…
Stories became a way to express my feelings and thoughts, especially to those whom I had not expressed them to. Many ex-boyfriends and former lovers had cameos or even the lead part in some of my stories. I would weave various factual events with a fictional tale and the end result would be a therapeutic finished product that was intended to be some kind of closure to the relationship ending.
I realized that it was a cathartic avenue for me, but limiting and one-sided. What did I fear most in a face-to-face interlude? Rejection? Pain? Indifference? Judgement? The slap of unrequited love?
In some ways, this process allowed me to be more clear about my feelings and on a mental and creative level, it stimulated me. But, on a person-to-person perspective it was not realistic so technically I was still running away and not truly confronting the situation.
Almost all recipients of my colored past have felt the throes of a passionate embrace, a night (or nights) of intense love then instantaneously followed by wrath, disappointment and the infamous Guillotine.
It became a pattern and my Slate for relationships resembled a waffle with a tower full of toppings, the connection inevitably getting severed or devoured by an insatiable appetite. This metaphor is visually similar to a building with the foundation being faulty. The only difference is that one is edible and topped with whipped cream and a cherry.
Needless to say, what happened between us was not surprising. Each of my relationships have progressively become shorter so perhaps I'm learning (hopefully) but that does not necessarily mean it's easier for me to deal with. Quite the opposite. I've relinquished my armor slowly throughout the years when before, defenses were impenetrable. Often to some, I appeared unscathed and unaffected. That was far from true. My pain I hid well. I yearned for a time when my feelings could be expressed outright, without fear of ridicule, judgement and most of all, indifference. The desire to be fully seen and heard…without the armor and defenses that were worn as a preventative from experiencing heartache. The things was, I secretly still wanted to remain hidden.
The trick was, to accomplish this, one must be fully Present within. One's Self must be awake and willing. No hiding. No armor. Open. Vulnerable…and… yes, Free.
For many years, I thought the answer was external. My fingers pointed at all those poor boys who invariably felt the snap of my Guillotine.
And where do you fit in, dear C? This time was different. I couldn't stay mad. I was about to use the Guillotine, severing all ties with you, but wasn't able to go through with it. I wasn't ready to let go.
It was hard, truth be told, when you didn't want to work things out. I don't blame you. I was just selfish in thinking you would want to spend as much time with me before I left. 'Carpe Diem!', is what I say. Seize The Day! What I didn't take into account was the after effects for the ones left behind. And your boys, how would it impact them? You know, believe it or not, this time was especially hard for me because not only did I fall in love with you, I fell for the boys as well, so when it came time to leave…it was thrice more difficult to have to endure…
…and it seemed so easy for you to transition from lover to friend. Too many questions came forth, too much time analyzing and I did what I thought was best: staying away with little to no contact.
It gave me time to go inward, to reflect and that's when I finally came to the realization (and conclusion) that what had transpired between us, with its short entirety from beginning to end, was exactly what needed to happen. I know I had relayed that before…but I think it finally sunk in…
Yet, I was still feeling the need for closure. That Circle created between us was left open and I did a few things, attempting to sever our connection, to no avail. So, now…instead of severing it like I did before I just allowed myself to remain open to it, acknowledging its presence and wondering if it had something to teach me.
It did.
You may never know how powerful of an impact you've had…from your kind, sweet, generous and silly nature…to the fierce temper and frustration I sensed that led up to my departure, I felt, was something to be respected. That last night, when I was tired, hungry and acting like a petulant child…even though you were tired as well, you still had a kind word for me and the energy to make me a salad…something that I now am very grateful for and was sorry to not fully appreciate at the time.
C, you have a quiet strength, the ability to be masculine, sensitive and intuitive at the same time and are uncommonly kind. You are a wonderful father and the times I spent with you and your sons, albeit short, I shall treasure always.
I hold a special place in my heart for you and your boys. Thank you for the time we shared. I hope to have more in the future. It can be like another story, just about ready to be told…the audience willing and waiting patiently but with unbridled anticipation.
May you and your loved ones be blessed with happiness and an abundance of Love, always.
With infinite gratitude,
Athena
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