the apartment is empty
dishes drying on the rack
blankets folded neatly
but the bed
left
unmade
I stood against the wall
my arms holding me up
blurred vision
with
angry words
flying from my lips
your contestation
your deliberation
masked
what was so
apparent
the hiding place
foreseen as her unwants
and yet
you still want her
you still hold on
you can't
let go...
seeds were planted
but there was
no sunlight
no singing
and now
there will be
no harvest
left overs
but
no second chances...
just another echo
of the door
closing
and the gentle
click
of the lock
being set
again
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Dreams, Shadow and Bliss
Dreams, Shadow and Bliss
The past in the form of an old lover...
I don't think I ever told you about my first boyfriend and that relationship. It's an experience I don't like to reflect on too much because of what I went through (mentally)..beginning, middle, end...but it's a perfect example of the reward received when choosing to perceive it as a 'lesson' or 'gift'. Certainly, an unconventional one.
I do not trust easily, as most share that same sentiment. What I would like to do is share, with you, my journey of how I have come to be here now...basking in the awareness of this blissful state...receiving wisdom and enlightenment....and love....from within myself.
J.G. was my first boyfriend, first love, first many things. We lived in the same neighborhood and went to elementary, junior high and high school together. We shared many stories, secrets, laughs....and would fall asleep on the phone simultaneously. To say succinctly, we were best friends from the start....
And life, as it happens to some, became very much like a Dali painting. Beautiful, strange, confused, dark, ethereal. Through both our parents' divorces, family members (and his own) drug addictions, infidelities, loved ones murdered, drop outs, guns, sexual assaults, creepy teachers and their propositions, babies, moves across countries and/or oceans...our lives intertwined, intercepted and seemed to draw to a close. And our spiritual contract with each other, nullified.
Fast forward to a decade later, my own multitude of love affairs becoming ingredients for saturated stories accompanied with doubt, fear, mistrust and suspicion. The end result morphing (again and again) into self destruction, pain and unhappiness. And in the midst of this onslaught, J.G. found me again, showing remorse
for his infidelities and lies with three mini versions of himself now, a reminder of the past...and an emergence of what I had tried to suppress and ignore from the beginning....
And I decided to stop what I was doing. I then grabbed a shovel and started digging inside of myself. Looking at and through every tragic event, realizing my patterns and habits led up to this: the innumerable amount of times I often withdrew to the insides of my cage...sitting in the dark corners of my shadow self, unwilling to let go of what I had only known: chaos, dysfunction, unhealthy environments, situations...people.
I never allowed myself to grow. I realized that I was not moving forward. I didn't want to look towards the bright parts that were shining in the distance. I didn't embrace the lessons that masked themselves in these circumstances. I didn't succumb or surrender myself to the mystery of the Unknown. Instead, I retreated and welcomed the sunless sky...unknowingly attracting more and more anguish...and misery.
The little girl inside me stayed a victim and it was only until decades of introspection, healing, and a willingness to open myself up instead of closing myself off...would that part of me, grow and evolve into the powerful woman I am today.
Last night, tossing and turning in my bed, I contemplated the new relationship I was in. It's not ideal. It's not perfect. And I found myself (again) only concentrating on the aspects I disliked, becoming critical and disheartened. I also started to create a scenario (in my head) of what I thought the relationship was: just another avenue that dead ended into pain, heartache and suffering. The Victim and Saboteur inside me were joining forces, contributing to the already indestructible armor/defense I carried with me from the beginning.
Then, the voices started in. Whispering thoughts that seemed viable. Was it varying in truth? What was HE doing? Why? How? What? ???
They were relentless. Each question more prominent than the previous one. I almost caved in. I almost went back to where I was before...but then, a new voice sang, "Is this all relevant and necessary? What have you learned from your past experiences? What have you gained? What have you chosen? Remember who you are, step into your power."
That's when I saw the holes. Pockets of darkness left behind from each of those mishaps. Each one carrying the weight of my past, leaving me unfulfilled and empty. Like a hunger unsatiated.
So, it came down to making a decision. What did I want to put my energy towards? What did I want to emanate and radiate?
I closed my eyes again and went into a dream. I dreamt of bridges and former lovers. Each one related to the past and an old wound. I knew instinctually what to do. We would meet in the middle, share and exchange, speaking from our deepest depths, our sources of Truth. I desired closure and I received it through each conversation, opening myself up to forgiveness, compassion and in doing so each hole filled up with light. I also noticed a cord that connected us and after each discussion it was severed cleanly.
Then, I saw variations of my selves: newborn, infant, little girl, adolescent, teenager, young woman and now. They were off to the side, waiting patiently. My dreaming self went up to each one with a smile and with both arms open for an embrace. Individually, they stepped forward willingly. With each connection, they became a part of Me. Healed, rejuvenated and whole.
I find that it's quite easy to slip into old habits, especially when emotions are involved. To think on new levels, to approach a situation differently, to go outside of your comfort zone is challenging, certainly, but there is great reward at the end. I have realized that I prefer being part of the compassion and love of life, then to be the bearer of confusion and chaos. However, the journey through the 'shadow' parts of yourself (i.e. chaos, confusion, sadness) can also be a catalyst for change and growth as long as you're open to that particular lesson. I deem it unhealthy to dwell there too long. Finding the balance is key.
There is much I have learned in this past year. My guides and teachers have come from the most unexpected places. I am eternally grateful for everything: my life, my friends...who I have become in this amazing transformation.
I hope that this insight has helped you in some way.
Through my internal expedition, I have found the answers you need are within you. The love and guidance you seek is not outside of yourself but within.
You and you alone can disintegrate those barriers...allowing yourself to learn, grow, change and evolve...but that choice is, of course, up to you.
As for J.G., I now see that he was a great teacher (I'm sure unbeknownst to him) and his part in my life helped to enrich my growth in ways I would have never been able to attain on my own. He, and all the light and shadow parts of my life, have helped me reach the level of awareness I have come to appreciate exponentially.
In gratitude and eternal love,
A
The past in the form of an old lover...
I don't think I ever told you about my first boyfriend and that relationship. It's an experience I don't like to reflect on too much because of what I went through (mentally)..beginning, middle, end...but it's a perfect example of the reward received when choosing to perceive it as a 'lesson' or 'gift'. Certainly, an unconventional one.
I do not trust easily, as most share that same sentiment. What I would like to do is share, with you, my journey of how I have come to be here now...basking in the awareness of this blissful state...receiving wisdom and enlightenment....and love....from within myself.
J.G. was my first boyfriend, first love, first many things. We lived in the same neighborhood and went to elementary, junior high and high school together. We shared many stories, secrets, laughs....and would fall asleep on the phone simultaneously. To say succinctly, we were best friends from the start....
And life, as it happens to some, became very much like a Dali painting. Beautiful, strange, confused, dark, ethereal. Through both our parents' divorces, family members (and his own) drug addictions, infidelities, loved ones murdered, drop outs, guns, sexual assaults, creepy teachers and their propositions, babies, moves across countries and/or oceans...our lives intertwined, intercepted and seemed to draw to a close. And our spiritual contract with each other, nullified.
Fast forward to a decade later, my own multitude of love affairs becoming ingredients for saturated stories accompanied with doubt, fear, mistrust and suspicion. The end result morphing (again and again) into self destruction, pain and unhappiness. And in the midst of this onslaught, J.G. found me again, showing remorse
for his infidelities and lies with three mini versions of himself now, a reminder of the past...and an emergence of what I had tried to suppress and ignore from the beginning....
And I decided to stop what I was doing. I then grabbed a shovel and started digging inside of myself. Looking at and through every tragic event, realizing my patterns and habits led up to this: the innumerable amount of times I often withdrew to the insides of my cage...sitting in the dark corners of my shadow self, unwilling to let go of what I had only known: chaos, dysfunction, unhealthy environments, situations...people.
I never allowed myself to grow. I realized that I was not moving forward. I didn't want to look towards the bright parts that were shining in the distance. I didn't embrace the lessons that masked themselves in these circumstances. I didn't succumb or surrender myself to the mystery of the Unknown. Instead, I retreated and welcomed the sunless sky...unknowingly attracting more and more anguish...and misery.
The little girl inside me stayed a victim and it was only until decades of introspection, healing, and a willingness to open myself up instead of closing myself off...would that part of me, grow and evolve into the powerful woman I am today.
Last night, tossing and turning in my bed, I contemplated the new relationship I was in. It's not ideal. It's not perfect. And I found myself (again) only concentrating on the aspects I disliked, becoming critical and disheartened. I also started to create a scenario (in my head) of what I thought the relationship was: just another avenue that dead ended into pain, heartache and suffering. The Victim and Saboteur inside me were joining forces, contributing to the already indestructible armor/defense I carried with me from the beginning.
Then, the voices started in. Whispering thoughts that seemed viable. Was it varying in truth? What was HE doing? Why? How? What? ???
They were relentless. Each question more prominent than the previous one. I almost caved in. I almost went back to where I was before...but then, a new voice sang, "Is this all relevant and necessary? What have you learned from your past experiences? What have you gained? What have you chosen? Remember who you are, step into your power."
That's when I saw the holes. Pockets of darkness left behind from each of those mishaps. Each one carrying the weight of my past, leaving me unfulfilled and empty. Like a hunger unsatiated.
So, it came down to making a decision. What did I want to put my energy towards? What did I want to emanate and radiate?
I closed my eyes again and went into a dream. I dreamt of bridges and former lovers. Each one related to the past and an old wound. I knew instinctually what to do. We would meet in the middle, share and exchange, speaking from our deepest depths, our sources of Truth. I desired closure and I received it through each conversation, opening myself up to forgiveness, compassion and in doing so each hole filled up with light. I also noticed a cord that connected us and after each discussion it was severed cleanly.
Then, I saw variations of my selves: newborn, infant, little girl, adolescent, teenager, young woman and now. They were off to the side, waiting patiently. My dreaming self went up to each one with a smile and with both arms open for an embrace. Individually, they stepped forward willingly. With each connection, they became a part of Me. Healed, rejuvenated and whole.
I find that it's quite easy to slip into old habits, especially when emotions are involved. To think on new levels, to approach a situation differently, to go outside of your comfort zone is challenging, certainly, but there is great reward at the end. I have realized that I prefer being part of the compassion and love of life, then to be the bearer of confusion and chaos. However, the journey through the 'shadow' parts of yourself (i.e. chaos, confusion, sadness) can also be a catalyst for change and growth as long as you're open to that particular lesson. I deem it unhealthy to dwell there too long. Finding the balance is key.
There is much I have learned in this past year. My guides and teachers have come from the most unexpected places. I am eternally grateful for everything: my life, my friends...who I have become in this amazing transformation.
I hope that this insight has helped you in some way.
Through my internal expedition, I have found the answers you need are within you. The love and guidance you seek is not outside of yourself but within.
You and you alone can disintegrate those barriers...allowing yourself to learn, grow, change and evolve...but that choice is, of course, up to you.
As for J.G., I now see that he was a great teacher (I'm sure unbeknownst to him) and his part in my life helped to enrich my growth in ways I would have never been able to attain on my own. He, and all the light and shadow parts of my life, have helped me reach the level of awareness I have come to appreciate exponentially.
In gratitude and eternal love,
A
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Battle
There are some things I can deny
only for so long...
it was one of the main reasons
why I wrote so spontaneously
and enigmatically
but, you know....
it was really the only way...
drawing you in
captivating your...
curiosity.
constantly pushing the boundaries
with words
and unspoken innuendos.
few understand the reasons
why we live as we do
why we do what we do...
why we must
continually immerse ourselves
into battle
again
and
again.
I am speaking
to the Mac I once knew
all those years ago
eyes full of fire
and passion
and rage
for the many injustices
witnessed
and endured.
I wonder...
if those same eyes
still reflect
the soul
of a poet warrior
I once sat with
on a park bench swing
talking and sharing
into the night...
our stories converging
and twisting
like branches of an ancient Oak tree...
or
do they reflect
someone I
no longer know?
Sometimes, I'm envious.
I see strollers and white picket fences.
Songs full of joy and vigor.
And I sit with stories
and secrets...
exploitation
greed
abuse
wives that are
'legal prostitutes'
masquerading as marriages
how different our worlds are
how isolated I sometimes feel
wanting so much to appreciate
all these good things
but knowing what needs to be done
that in order for me to fully comprehend
the chaos
to engage in battle
is to first understand it.
And that,
is only the beginning.
only for so long...
it was one of the main reasons
why I wrote so spontaneously
and enigmatically
but, you know....
it was really the only way...
drawing you in
captivating your...
curiosity.
constantly pushing the boundaries
with words
and unspoken innuendos.
few understand the reasons
why we live as we do
why we do what we do...
why we must
continually immerse ourselves
into battle
again
and
again.
I am speaking
to the Mac I once knew
all those years ago
eyes full of fire
and passion
and rage
for the many injustices
witnessed
and endured.
I wonder...
if those same eyes
still reflect
the soul
of a poet warrior
I once sat with
on a park bench swing
talking and sharing
into the night...
our stories converging
and twisting
like branches of an ancient Oak tree...
or
do they reflect
someone I
no longer know?
Sometimes, I'm envious.
I see strollers and white picket fences.
Songs full of joy and vigor.
And I sit with stories
and secrets...
exploitation
greed
abuse
wives that are
'legal prostitutes'
masquerading as marriages
how different our worlds are
how isolated I sometimes feel
wanting so much to appreciate
all these good things
but knowing what needs to be done
that in order for me to fully comprehend
the chaos
to engage in battle
is to first understand it.
And that,
is only the beginning.
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