Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What If

What if the word victim could be redefined into something closer to hero...
..... recognizing that the path some have tread
will spare others from the same?

From where each goes.......... others learn.

You save the day, again - The Universe

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Unsolicited Advice for the Good of 'Mankind'

Unsolicited Advice for the Good of ‘Mankind’

Gentlemen, I say this with sincerity and compassion.

This is for your own good.

Okay, so I was out downtown last night and couldn't help but notice some serious ‘turn offs'. I mean, I know for some of you this is Common Sense but...seriously...
there are some that are effin' clueless...no thanks to the oblivious encouragement that supercedes the consumption of the 'Courage Juice' aka Alcohol.

First up, personal space. For example, if you are meeting me for the first time…boys, back the Eff up. I don't know you and I seriously don't want to know what you had for dinner and what you were drinking. If I can smell your In-N-Out Burger, you're too close. Oh, yeah. Two words. Breath mint.

This next one is congruent with the first. Personal Hygiene. Learn to love your shower.
But, don’t drown yourself in cologne. If you walk by and we can still smell you 10 minutes later…trust me, guys….you don’t want to be remembered as the ‘I bathe in cologne guy’.
Oh, and that stuff about pheromones is actually true, however, we think that deodorant
and/or antiperspirant is a really really really good investment. But, hey, if you want to be the mountain/I’m an artist/anti-government/against conformity/hippy/au natural guy..be my guest.
I’m sure you’ll find your People. Oh, and good luck. I hear the mountains are lovely this time of year.

Next, physical contact. Alright. Guys, you may think it's super sly to put your hand on the knee because….you know, you're just soo suave...but really, it's creepy. And you know what else is creepy? When you shake our hands and won't let go. Yeah, just because we exist and we're right in front of you doesn't mean we're there for you to manhandle. It is not our obligation to talk to you. Just because you extend your hand out and we shake it doesn't equate to: 'we want to sleep with you' or 'we're interested'. Most of the time, we're just being nice. In my personal experience, because I'm generally a friendly person I've had guys approach me, invade my personal space and then talk my ear off......which brings me to the next one....

Communication. Okay, this is real simple, fellas. Is it really that hard to ask questions? Or do you really think that if you talk consistently for the next hour straight about your job, your house, your dog, your 'psycho' ex-girlfriend, your day surfing, pretty much YOUR entire life story blah blah blah....that we want to continue interacting with you? Remember, it's a conversation between TWO people...it's not a monologue or a stand up comedy act. Learn to ask questions so it shows you're interested in getting to know us and it's not just about you. You dig?

Now, on to: Tact. Yes, it’s a word. Some of you…well, most of you..have no idea what this means. Webster’s Dictionary definition states:
tact: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.
So, let’s play the hypothetical game. You’ve met someone that you’re interested in. How do you find out if she’s available? You can go the old-fashioned simple route and ask her out on a date, right? If she’s available and into you, she’ll accept. Nowadays…it’s the: Do you have a boyfriend/husband/partner/? Followed by: Do you have a friend w/ benefits or someone that’s more than just a friend?
Um, guys. What the F is that crap? I mean, seriously? To ask that last question is completely insulting. I repeat. Tact. Get to know it well. Let it be your mantra for the next month.

Now, drinking. Oh, yes. Look, I'm not against it. Even though I no longer partake….
but...um…how do I put this? Well, I guess what I've been wondering is...whatever happened to moderation? Or do you guys really enjoy getting so wasted that your intellect decreases to the equivalent of your shoe size? I mean...that kind of behavior is a given for teenagers but you're my age. It's just never attractive when you're Drunk Retarded. It's funny. And great for writing material. Not so great for...well....you get the gist…..
I hope.

Ahh. Reliability. You know the great thing about technology is that there are these great things called Cell Phones! Yeah! And they have little reminders that remind you about things! You know...birthdays, anniversaries or little things like being on time for the movies or dinner. And well, if you can't make it for whatever reason like you had a freak accident and were struck by lightning or you were kidnapped by aliens or got a bad case of Swine flu AND food poisoning...then I guess we understand if there's no call notifying us that you can't make it..otherwise, it's just common courtesy. You know that polite way of letting us know you're completely flaking out. Trust me. We understand....

Last, but not least: listening. Hmm? What did you say? Oh! You need me to repeat what I just said? Uh huh. Exactly my point. Do you know how to listen? I mean...really think about this. When you're having a conversation with a girl...are you really paying attention to what she's saying or are you secretly picturing her naked? Or both? Look guys...we know. We have breasts and vaginas. Some of us have gone to the Darkside and we abuse the power that was given to us..I know...I can't deny that....but there are still some nice girls out there. Really! Nice AND intelligent. It's just that...well...there really are lots of not-so-nice guys out there that have treated us like dirt. Some of us have learned from our mistakes. So, if you can try really hard to look into our eyes and really listen to what we have to say instead of looking down....and don't think we won't notice....then maybe...you could be one of the lucky ones that can laugh at this writing piece with the capacity and awareness of not being guilty of any of these characteristics...
stating quite proudly that you are a true gentleman…willing to spread the knowledge to those unfortunate and unconscious ones….so that they may learn and evolve…

Congratulations….
Consider yourself Enlightened.
;0)