Here. Now.

San Jose is a strange city. It's a fusion of suburbia, urban ghettos and rich hillside manors worth millions of dollars. Not a replica of Los Angeles...more like a shadow of an echo.

I'm here visiting Leanne & crew...which really means we've been doing a lot of laying and lounging in the sun, doing impromptu fashionesque photo shoots, watching the Food Network and staying up late...talking, gossiping into the wee hours of the night...the light of the fire setting the all important ambiance in their newly rented...spacious...very spacious house...

What's so weird is that the couch and coffee table set up is the same...just an entirely different location...and different city...not to mention county...so while I'm chatting away with one of our mutual friends...a slight sense of deja vu tickles me and I look over at Paul with this smirk on my face...and say, "It's just like the other house but completely different!" :o) Guess you had to be there...

There are several reasons why I'm here up North. Yes, to visit friends and family...but to also check out this Buddhist center: http://www.nyingmainstitute.com/

And, of course, I needed to get away...and I know...I just got back from Ireland but...the past...the past came chasing me down....and it came whether I was ready for it or not...and when I reflect on it now...they're like polaroid picture images...flash! flash! flash!

Ex lovers...ex boyfriends who broke my heart...calling out of the blue...leaving strange messages on my machine...or they're up on stage at one of our local hang outs...playing guitar with eyes closed....or they're telling you what's happened to them in the past decade in a span of time parallel to a cigarette break ...

And all these faces...all these voices I'm hearing through the phone or on the machine...they come with the elation at first...that initial shock overcomes me and then it's all surreal...like I'm looking at a carbon copy of myself...watching my own face nod and cringe and laugh and cry...and then I remember....the color fades and it's all black at first...then the pain and anger hits. I remember ALL of it. What I endured. What I had to go through. That really painful journey of just getting through it...you know, IT!

The whole process of letting go, analyzing what went wrong, the late night calls to your closest friends, the tears and tissues...and then the acceptance...the scab wounds slowly heal and then you start all over...again...

And you know what the funny thing is? They all come back eventually. They always want something...sometimes it takes them months to figure out what they had but only when it's gone...and for those really really good ones...some times it takes years for them to get a handle on things and have it all figured out...

I've had to deal with a lot of disappointment and heartache in my young 32 years of existence. I've had to find resolution and closure within myself because sometimes I wasn't gifted with a last conversation, letter, email, message, meeting, dinner..or fuck....sometimes it was a story that never got finished so I had to write my own ending and just leave it at that.

What intrigues me so is the guilt I sense in their apologies, how some speak so quickly that it's as if they don't want you to hear their remorse...they just want to graze over all the hurt and mistakes they 'intentionally' or 'unintentionally' committed...and just get back to the beginning...you know, before everything got so 'complicated'.

'complicated' really translating to the 'sex'.

And so...I find myself in San Jose...also to get away...I went to Ireland for that very same reason...and well, let's just say it followed me there as well...but no worries...I'm not running...I'm avoiding. There's a HUGE difference...wait, no...I got it! I'm on vacation!

:o)

So, in the mean time...I'm currently distracting myself with books, art projects, chocolate, road trips, writing, lounging, meditating and hiking...with infinite additions to this list...
and I will properly deal/confront the afformed issues mentioned above at the appropriate time...after....of course....I save the world, write my books, clean and organize the inside of my car....and have a french vanilla chai latte with the Dalai Llama in a banyan tree with spider monkeys jumping about....

Prioritizing is key, of course!
Oh, happy days ahead!
:o)
-A

For the love of a dance party

I see our future

withheld in the bass beats

of our nakedness

It is hard to ignore

the chaotic rhythms

personified by

our indifference

Time stretches

Fear conforms

And I'm waiting

and waiting 

and waiting

To be proven wrong

only to realize

reality

and 

truth

are the same

It is I who is different

No longer hopeless

but hopeful

No longer caged

but free

No longer dangling in a dream

but standing firm

with eyes

unclouded

and my heart open.

To anything

Attached to nothing...